Monday, January 30, 2012

The SOTW Roundup 15

As always, this SOTW Roundup will be posted late because I turned it in late. I’m actually watching the Pro Bowl while I’m writing this. This is an extremely pointless game that has no business being played. NO ONE gives a shit. Not the players, not the fans, not the commentators…no. one. I watch it so I can make jokes on Twitter. Yep, that’s my life, but I digress. These roundups are late because I work a full-time job being a slave for a corporation*, a separate part-time job trying to break into broadcasting, I host/edit/produce a podcast, do research for this, jerk off at least one hour a day, and have a girlfriend that demands every other waking moment (and moments when I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!). In today’s world, this is what you have to do in order to get a decent job in the field you paid thousands of dollars studying in college. And guess what? You’re probably not going to get your dream job or anything close to it. Unless you catch a lucky break, know somebody in the industry, or have a God-given talent that supersedes everything else, finding an opportunity is nearly impossible. There was a day where you get an entry-level job out of college and work your way up. Nowadays, even entry-level jobs require X-amount years of experience!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!?! Every job in radio I have applied for requires at least one year of experience. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. How the fuck do I get experience when EVERY JOB REQUIRES EXPERIENCE? No one wants to give anyone else a chance. No one wants to take a risk or gamble by training someone. Nope. Employers take the pussy way out and demand experience for everything. I’m not alone on this. I know people with law degrees, business degrees, and other useful degrees who can’t get a job. NOT because there aren’t any jobs available, but because they are “not qualified” for any available jobs. Because of this, I have a second interview with an insurance company to possibly start my own insurance franchise. If I don’t make good money doing this (IF I get the job), one of these roundups will contain my suicide note. Until then, enjoy this week’s suicide-free roundup!

Google announced their new privacy policy. Essentially, Google is going to consolidate all of your personal information from their over 60 products into ONE database. Here the reality: this will allow Google to personalize your web experience to make it easier and more enjoyable. Here’s the bullshit conspiracy theory: this will allow Google to hold you down and sell your information to others and keep track of you so that they can create their one-government world order and rape your wife and kids while sacrificing puppies and kittens to their true savior, Satan. Seriously, why should anyone care that Google is deciding to make ONE privacy policy as opposed to SIXTY? Is it because it’ll make it easier for them to target advertisements specifically for YOU? God forbid that a company whose #1 source of revenue is advertisements makes it easier for them to sell ads. People are really quick to demonize Facebook, Google, *insert Fortune 500 company here* because of how rich they are. The same is true for rich individuals. Not every multi-billion dollar corporation is corrupt. In fact, MOST are not. It’s just more convenient to paint them as so because it gives our broke, worthless lives more meaning and peace of mind. If billionaires are just as morally sound as the rest of us,** it makes them infinitely better. Guess what? Most of them are. Deal with it.

Speaking of people infinitely better than you and me, the Navy SEALs Team 6 were at it again this week. This time, they took out some Somali pirates to rescue two kidnapped aid workers.*** It was the same team that took out Bin Laden. The only people who got hurt during the entire operation were the Somali pirates, all nine of whom are dead. AMERICA, FUCK YEAH! Obama gave the orders before the State of the Union address and called the father of the American who was kidnapped right after the speech. Two things: 1) The United States is still badass! Love or hate the government and/or the military, when push comes to shove, we have the most ELITE special op forces in the world to take care of some of the WORST people in the world! 2) If you are on the U.S. government’s radar, you might want to lay low just before Obama is doing a speech. The Bin Laden thing went down during the Correspondence Dinner. This went down during the State of the Union address. See the pattern? I think Obama isn’t exactly a great president. However, when it comes to taking care of some assholes overseas, he’s doing an awesome job! As for Navy SEALs members, if I were a TINY fraction of a fraction of the men they are, I could kick all your asses. They are better than us. Deal with it.

The “Parent of the Week” goes to some 35-year-old mother in Florida. The mother’s 15-year-old daughter called the cops on her because she was having loud sex with her boyfriend at 4 AM (the mother was, not the daughter). She asked to be taken to a Christian shelter. Because school was about to start, the daughter withdrew her request to be taken to a shelter but added that she “felt disrespected.” As she was. I’m sorry, but I’m taking the daughter’s side on this one. When you decide to have a child (or don’t decide, but have one by accident), you give up many privileges us non-parents get to enjoy. For example, I can party EVERY Friday night if I want to…hell, I can party EVERY NIGHT if I want to, and I can do that because I am responsible for me and me only. When you’re a parent, the party life is over. For the most part, FUN is over. This includes fucking your boyfriend/girlfriend at four in the morning. I refuse to have sex with my girlfriend at her place because she has a two-year-old. Her daughter can’t even comprehend the act of sex, yet, I still can’t do it out of respect. Maybe I’m old-school, but having loud sex when your teenage child’s bedroom is right next to yours shows you’re not fit to be a parent. By the way, this was four in the morning on a THURSDAY! Why the hell isn’t this parent sleeping to be awake for work? And if it’s her day off, refer to my point of giving up the part lifestyle once becoming a parent. This mother is setting a terrible example and I am happy to see that her daughter is somehow smart enough to notice that. Oh yeah, this took place in Florida. Shocker.

Most straight dudes have a hard-on for Miley Cyrus. Don’t deny it. When I found out she likes to smoke the reefer, I probably masturbated to just the idea that she likes to have fun, i.e. she’s no longer some Mickey Mouse Club, church-going little girl. So imagine my reaction when I saw this:

Yeah, that’s her getting down (literally and metaphorically) on a penis cake. Oddly, this cake was for her boyfriend’s birthday. Weird. At any rate, notice how she is technically licking the taint. Also notice the short nature of the penis with the same color of that of a black dude. Not consistent. Do NOT notice the piece of the cake missing at the head of the penis. It sort of resembles some horrific open sore or something. It’s good to see that Hannah Montana (and her boyfriend, apparently) loves the cock. Time for me to take a time-out in writing right now.

In other celebrity news, both Demi Moore and Tracy Morgan were rushed to the hospital this week on separate occasions. PR reps for both celebrities cited “exhaustion” as the reason for the episode. If you read the intro to this roundup, I think it’s safe to say I work harder than Demi Moore and Tracy Morgan. I hardly get any sleep, YET not only do I NOT feel like I’m going to die due to exhaustion, but on top of that, I have enough energy to work out at least 3-4 times a week. I’m constantly stressed about money (the lack thereof) and establishing a career, unlike them. Still not dying from exhaustion. I mean, it’s COMPLETE bullshit that’s why they were rushed to the hospital. Anytime a PR rep cites exhaustion as a reason for anything, he or she is a liar…a terrible liar. People reported that Morgan was belligerently drunk…from alcohol…not exhaustion. Also, reports came out that Moore was exhausted…from doing too many whip-its. Yes. Whip-its. The same “drug” we all did when we were 13 because that’s all we could get. I don’t think people give a shit whether or not a celebrity overindulged on some stimulant. However, we DO care about being lied to, especially a blatant lie. How many people do you know that went to the hospital because of exhaustion? Exactly. NONE. However, celebrities get admitted to the E.R. for exhaustion all the time. Either a) the work exponentially harder than ALL of us or b) it’s bullshit and they like drugs. Guess which option I’m going with.

Time for “Gay News!!!!!” This week, the state of Washington has enough votes to legalize gay marriage. If passed, Washington will become the seventh state to legalize gay marriage. In addition to those seven states, six other states plus Washington D.C. have laws that recognize some form of civil unions. Currently, 42 states define marriage as a union with one man and one woman, with 30 of those states having added an amendment in their constitution that bans same-sex unions. In other words, most of the United States are still living in a world that’s synonymous with the Jim Crow laws in the South from 1876 to 1965. The fact that a state making it legal for gays to marry is big news is sad. We should be talking about all the bigot states that decided to ban gay marriage instead. Opponents of the Senate bill showed up and argued that gay marriage goes against the Bible. Of course. The only people “smart enough” to go against gay marriage are coincidentally the same people who are “smart enough” to believe a 950-year-old man built a massive ark, a 120-year-old man parted the Red Sea, and a talking snake talked a woman into eating an apple which made her smart. "You are saying as a committee and a Legislature that you know better than God," said Ken Hutcherson, pastor of Antioch Bible Church. In which I would reply, “You’re fuckin’-A right!” Microsoft and Nike, two Northwestern companies, supported the bill. So if you believe in gay rights, buy a Windows-based PC and some nice tennis shoes from Nike. If you’re a bigot, I guess you can just buy a Mac and a pair of Adidas…oh, and kill yourself so you can quit polluting the gene pool. I’m Mitt Romney, and I support this message.
Gen-X parents have done a fantastic job of fucking up our youth and therefore our future as we know it…and they’re not done. A new school in Utah looking for a team name and mascot had to scratch the "cougar" since parents complained about the double meaning. Yes, some parents are aware that “cougar” can also refer to MILFs who bang younger guys, so they threw a fucking fit. School officials claim that the mascot, when combined with the school colors, would be too similar to Brigham Young University. Then why have it as an option in the first place? Because that’s not the issue. The issue is this: “Many also have commented on the negative double entendre of the word 'cougar.’” One can blame the Mormon nature of Utah, while other’s cab blame the whiny-bitch nature of Gen-X parents. Since I can’t stand either one, we’ll call it a draw and blame both. Either way, this is fucking stupid. Today’s parents do a really good job at finding out what is wrong with something rather than being happy and moving on with their worthless, Starbucks-fueled, Coldplay –loving lives. Was dodgeball a problem before Gen-X parents deemed it so? No. Was bullying a worldwide pandemic on the same lines of AIDS and poverty before Gen-X? No. I know what the real problem is: Gen-Xers are TERRIBLE parents, and rather than blame themselves for their kids being pussies, they seek out a scapegoat that doesn’t truly exist. It’s sad when the football coach is the smartest guy in the school: “To me, a mascot is usually an animal -- I mean, I don't know how to even respond to that," Kearns High School football coach and athletic director Bill Cosper told The Salt Lake Tribune . "In all my years here, or in all of sports, that's never been brought up." Why? Because people who are into sports are more concerned with achieving goals and moving towards doing so rather than stopping and whining about everything along the way. Write that down you Gen-X hipster douches.

For more confirmation that there are people more screwed up than you, listen to Soundtrack of the Week on, iTunes, and on your smartphone via Stitcher Radio (Twitter page at @SOTWpodcast). Also follow Ty on Twitter at @TySOTW. You will be more informed than any Daily Show viewer…about what is another question.   

* Africans got off light by picking cotton…too soon?
** Well, maybe you.
*** Not to be confused with AIDS workers.

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