Thanksgiving is now over. I spent my Thanksgiving running
the soundboard for a conservative news radio station in Kansas City…and I was
glad! I would rather get paid double-time to further my career than spend
anytime with my family during that extremely awkward small talk. It’s creeps me
out! As I write this, it is Black Friday. This is every hipster’s favorite day
to bitch and complain about capitalism and the free market, just like the day
before is PETA’s favorite day to bitch about eating meat. Listen, Black Friday
does NOT stand for everything that is wrong with America and capitalism in
general. It is not indicative of greed and how corruption rules the masses.
Nope, none of that. Instead, Black Friday is just a day where housewives act
like super cunty thugs. That’s it. Nothing more. Smart people who are looking
to save a buck or two will take advantage of the upcoming Cyber Monday. It’s
pretty much the same thing except for you don’t have to leave your house. Yeah,
that seems more logical. With only two more paydays until Christmas, I of all
people should be looking for the greatest deals…but I’m not. I’d much rather
spend a few dollars extra if it means not having to deal with a mob of crazy
assholes. And it’s not like I’m buying TVs and other expensive electronics. No,
everyone is getting something fairly inexpensive. You can’t save $50 on
something that costs $25. The people who are saving money are usually either a)
people who could afford the items regardless of a sale or b) people who
shouldn’t be able to afford expensive items regardless of a sale. Look at some
Black Friday videos, and you’ll see what I’m talking about. In the end, I don’t
give a shit. It’s your money. Do what you will with it. No one, not the
government nor corporations, can tell you what to do with it. They should tell
you to do one thing and one thing only…READ THE ROUNDUP!
The Republican campaign has been going on
since…well…since Obama was elected president. It’s been going full steam the
past few months and why not? The election is only TWELVE months away. One of
the frontrunners for the Republican nomination is Mitt Romney. Romney seems to
be the sanest person running right now, and he’s a fucking Mormon! This week, Romney laid down a
"bombshell revelation" to People
magazine. When asked if he has ever had a beer (which is part of the
laundry list of shit you can’t have in the Mormon religion), Romney responded
with this: “Never had drinks or tobacco. Itʼs a religious thing. I tasted a
beer and tried a cigarette once, as a wayward teenager, and never did it
again.” HOLY SHIT! Talk about a total burnout! Not only did he try a
cigarette, but also he TASTED a beer. I’m assuming he tasted a Miller High
Life, and that’s why he decided not to drink. If this is Romney’s definition of
a “wayward teenager,” then 99% of the U.S. population are a bunch of low-life
screw-ups from the spawn of Satan! And THIS is why Romney should not be
president. Take the above quote and then add the following picture to the
equation:
Let’s not forget that before getting into
politics, Romney was CEO of Bain Capital, which netted him close to $250
million dollars. Not only is tasting a beer considered being a wayward
teenager, but he’s also a member of the 1% that the hipsters hate so much. This
guy couldn’t be more out of touch with the average U.S. citizen. Don’t get me
wrong, I wouldn’t want someone like myself running this country; that would be
an epic disaster. At the same time, I would like someone who knows what it’s
like to live a normal life to be in control. How can Romney make decisions for
the country when he is 99.99999% unlike anyone else? Sorry, Romney. You’re way
too pure and way too rich to get my vote. Take a couple Jaeger shots and we’ll
talk.
Before bitching about what’s wrong with America,
take a look at the rest of the world. I’ve said that before, but it’s worth
noting again. For instance, the
Pakistan Telecommunication Authority is trying to ban 1,700
"offensive" and "obscene" words from text messages.
Here in the United States, we can call our president a complete fucktard in
public. In Pakistan, good luck calling your ex-girlfriend a cunt through a
private text message. This new rule will make it extremely difficult for
Pakistanis to send angry text messages. Instead of “My whore ex-gf is a stupid
bitch” you’ll have to send “My ex-gf who enjoys the company of MANY men is a
female dog who lacks intelligence…amirite!” Here’s a list of words to be
banned:
- Athlete's foot
- Deposit
- Black out
- Drunk
- Flatulence
- Glazed Donut
- Harem
- Jesus Christ
- Hostage
- Murder
- Penthouse
- Satan
- Flogging the dolphin
- Monkey crotch
- Idiot
- Damn
- Deeper
- Four twenty
- Go to hell
- Harder
- Looser
- No sex
- Quickie
- Fairy
Yeah, there are some weird choices in there. First of all, I didn’t
even know “monkey crotch” was a thing before I read this article. And what’s up
with “athlete’s foot,” “deposit,” and “glazed donut”??? Is there something here
I don’t get? Did I miss the memo on those terms? Not to mention there are about
5,000 different ways to say “jerking off,” and “flogging the dolphin” is not
one I use on a regular basis. Whatever. Here in the great U.S. of A. I can tell
Obama (Satan) to put his black dick deeper and harder inside the glazed
donut that is Jesus Christ, while
his fairy ass goes to hell for flogging the dolphin with his damn monkey crotch*. God bless America!
Speaking of Obama, the
president of the United States pardoned two turkeys on Wednesday. Rather than
die a quick death by chopping their heads off, they’ll be sent back to whatever
tiny cage they came from and die a slow, miserable death. Did anyone check
these turkeys’ rap sheet? What if one of the turkeys confessed to a double
homicide? We need to start vetting these birds before just handing them a
pardon. I’m sure PETA members jerk off to this ceremony. The two birds, named
Liberty and Peace, were chosen among 30 turkeys. Ironically, one of the turkeys
that wasn’t chosen was named Troy Davis. Too soon?
Considering you read this roundup, you are
interested about the news. That or the constant stream of
racist/pedophile/otherwise inappropriate jokes. I’m going to tell you right
now, the SOTW Roundup is NOT a good source of news and information. I probably
don’t have to tell you that. However, I may have to tell you which major news
outlets ARE good sources. That’s what the
latest Fairleigh Dickinson University Public Mind Poll has done. The poll
has found out which news sources make you dumber and which ones make you
smarter. Those who watch Sunday morning news shows know more about current
events than most people. And which viewers know the LEAST about current events?
The Fox News audience! Right behind Fox News is MSNBC. Imagine that…the two
channels with a clear agenda make you dumber. Shocker. The MSNBC audience
actually believes the Occupy Wall Street protesters are mostly Republican! Are
you fucking kidding me?!?! National newspapers like The New York Times and USA
Today are also good sources of news, in addition to NPR radio. You want to
take a guess which television news show makes people smarter? If you guessed The Daily Show, you are correct. There
is something incredibly fucked up about or society when “legitimate” television
news programming makes you dumber, and a fake news show on Comedy Central makes
you smarter. At this point, I’m willing to believe that South Park is more informative than CNN. Hell, Family Guy is probably more informative than Fox News. #SadFace
The holiday season is upon us! You know what that
means…time to get drunk! Since we have to spend the money that we DON’T have on
gifts, we need to drink on a budget. I wish there was some cheap but good
liquor to get my drunk on with. I don’t know of any good—wait! What's
that sign over there?
Problem solved! Talk about effective advertising…I
was looking for cheap but good liquor and I have now found it. It’s a damn good
thing a bunch of people started to whine like a bunch of little bitches,
otherwise I would never know about Wodka. Just a few hours after this ad was
posted in New York, it was immediately torn down since people (like the
Anti-Defamation League) viewed the ad as “crude and offensive” and reinforces
the anti-Semitic stereotype “that Jews are cheap.” I’m willing to believe that
not ONE Jewish person complained about this. Usually in these cases, some
hipster-type person who is in no way targeted in the ad throws a bitch-fit
since it’s the “right” thing to do. Also, Jews are not necessarily cheap. Rather,
they are smart with their money. My glass is half full, Anti-Defamation League.
The League also said, “To use the Jewish holiday in dealing with issues of money
is clearly insensitive and inappropriate.” Wrong! It’s clearly accurate and
smart! Here’s the irony of all this: all these whiny bitches complained about
the “insensitivity” of the company’s ad and wanted it destroyed to a) prevent
people from seeing it and b) punish the company…and now we ALL have seen the ad
and are aware of Wodka. Congratulations, whiny bitches! Once again, you fucked
up your own initiative by being whiny bitches. Sidenote: anyone else notice
that the dog with the yarmulke is an AFGHAN hound?!?! I would bitch about THAT!
I wonder if this
dumb cunt was drinking Wodka. Doesn’t matter, because she wins this week’s
“Parent of the Week.” Sarah Boushey of San Francisco was busted for a DUI after
throwing down HALF A BOTTLE of vodka while watching the new Smurfs movie with her 4-year-old
daughter. After the movie, which apparently was so terrible she had to down
half a bottle of vodka, Boushey sideswiped two cars and hit a median. When cops
pulled her over, this dumb bitch couldn’t even remember her name. I guess that’s
what happens when you blow a .35 blood alcohol content! I don’t think I need to
tell YOU how high of a BAC that is. Fortunately, her trader of a daughter
ratted her out to the cops by telling them “she’s drunk.” Here’s a rule of
thumb: if your 4-year-old child knows what “drunk” is and can tell when you are
drunk, you lose said 4-year-old child…fuck it, throw in a court-ordered gang
bang too. Listen, there’s nothing wrong with sneaking liquor into a movie
theatre and getting drunk. Lord knows I have done it many a time. However, I
don’t have a kid either. When are people going to learn that once you have a
child you automatically give up your rights to party like a rock star? If you
like to party, either a) cum on the tits or b) abort or give up for adoption.
But for the love of god, don’t think for a second you can still party every now
and then and raise a decent human being at the same time. Not happening. With
that said, I should probably consider a vasectomy ASAP!
My hometown of
Kansas City has made national news again…and this time it DOESN’T concern some
type of homicide. Actually, this article takes place just down the street from
where I grew up. This fact contributes absolutely NOTHING to the article, but
just a little FYI. Anyway, Shawnee
Mission East high school senior Emma Sullivan pissed off Gov. Sam Brownback. Sullivan attended a field trip where
Brownback was a speaker. Not a huge fan of his policies, Sullivan tweeted,
“just made mean comments at gov brownback and told him he sucked, in person
#heblowsalot.” Well, Brownback’s office didn’t find that very funny. The next
day at school, Sullivan was sent to the principal’s office. Apparently,
Brownback’s office made a complaint to the school and wanted a written letter
of apology from Sullivan. Long story short, Sullivan said “fuck that”
(paraphrasing here) and now people are wondering what the fuck is up with Brownback
being a little whiny bitch. Seriously. If you’re the governor of a state, what
people say about you on Twitter should be the LEAST of your concerns.
Especially when the comment is from a high school girl with 60 followers. Now,
if @robdelaney or better yet @barackobama called you a bitch, maybe then you
should speak up. But when you’re butt-hurt over a minor tweet like the one in
question, not only are you a little whiny bitch, but you are also unqualified
to be a politician considering you priorities are seriously fucked up. Well,
it’s okay, because he may not be governor for too much longer…many people
consider him a strong candidate for the 2016 presidential election. Nope. Not
kidding.
I read a LOT of news articles
for this shitty column. One thing I have learned: EVERYTHING is harmful and can
kill you. Not even vitamins are an exception. According to a new study, vitamins
can turn you into a complete loser burnout. I’m not going to get into
details about the study (mostly because it’s 2am and I’m drunk), but
essentially, a group was given a placebo and was told it contained vitamins: “Those taking
phony supplements reported a greater sense of invulnerability and less of a
desire to exercise. They also were more likely to consider engaging in casual
sex, sunbathing and binge-drinking.” The researchers concluded that people who
take supplements consider themselves to be invulnerable. These burnout pill
poppers are under the assumption they can do whatever the fuck they want just
because they consume healthy shit. Even athletes are susceptible to this. You
know what we have to do…OUTLAW VITAMINS AND SUPPLEMENTS! They should be
considered a Schedule I drug with marijuana and methamphetamines. Apparently,
people who consume vitamins and supplements can’t control the substances and do
more harm than good…just like marijuana (per the U.S. government). You know,
unlike cocaine, which is a Schedule II drug. Yeah, that is a fact. Google that
shit if you must. According to the U.S. government, cocaine is safer than
marijuana…and vitamins now. I don’t make the laws, folks. I just laugh at them
and go against them anyway.
For more of whatever this is, listen to Soundtrack of the
Week on www.soundtrackoftheweek.com,
iTunes, and on your smartphone via Stitcher Radio (Twitter page at @SOTWpodcast). Also follow Ty on
Twitter at @TySOTW. I suggest
listening while binging on vitamins and supplements, you goddamn burnout.
* Disclaimer: after reading that last entry, “monkey crotch”
may come off as EXTREMELY racist in that context. Not my intention. Carry on.
