British Paterno

There were quite a few (THOUSAND) BP commercials during the London Olympics. Since the Deepwater Horizon disaster, which with the help of Transocean and the omnipresent Halliburton, permanently ruined the Gulf of Mexico, BP starting running commercials in the States. The commercials depicted them bullshitting as if they were on top of the Gulf long after it had left the mainstream’s mind. Leading up to and during the Olympics, BP showed that they, a British company, were fully behind American Olympians. Hmm…wonder why they feel the need to support OUR athletes so publicly.

Time for a Chives History Lesson: Once upon a time, there was an evil company called The Anglo-Persian Oil Company. Like the imperialistic nations of the US and the UK tend to do, they went into a resource-rich country, and exploited it. That country in this instance was Iran, still Persia at the time. After some time, the Persians, RIGHTFULLY GODDAMN SO, took their oil back from the evil imperialists, nationalizing the oil supply. So what was the APOC and CIA’s response to this nonviolent and completely moral (not to mention, economically logical) action? Assassinate the Shah of Iran and put in their own guy. Nothing quite says “America” and “the West” like bullying the rest of the world like the small-dicked white men they are. Soon after, this company changed their name. The name they picked? British Petroleum.

So, that’s BP, an evil, piece of shit British company. However, BP employs a lot of bright, good-hearted people. Big oil has such a stranglehold on this world; it holds the planet hostage to a single PRACTICAL energy source. These companies have done a lot of fucked up shit and never suffer the appropriate consequences. Halliburton got a guy into the White House who subsequently started killing tens of thousands of civilians monthly in order to rape those countries of their oil. There are no more counter arguments to that statement, so stop reading and fuck off right now if you think otherwise, because your soul cannot be saved.

The rank-and-file, the engineers, the scientists, etc. of BP are probably all really good people on average, who are left with the negative stigma of their company. THEY didn’t kill the Shah…THEY didn’t destroy the Gulf of Mexico…but no one, including myself, really excuses them when bashing the company as a whole (until now, I suppose).

A similar situation, and the inspiration for this rare blog post, is the Penn State scandal. It’s not like the fans and alumni were cheering Sandusky on while he plowed children on campus, but they aren’t as proud to be all “WE ARE PENN STATE, BITCHES” as loudly as before. Same with BP employees, I have to got to imagine your average BP employee tries not to mention which company he works for when he meets people because he knows the first thing they’re going to think. I also really doubt you’ll find a Nittany Lion being so vocal about where he got his degree, because he knows the first thing he’ll hear back is, “so what’s it like having sex with little bros?”

Texas A&M: Traditions in Ignorance

We have a problem here in Aggieland. The (white) folks who run shit and always have, feel the incessant need to try and keep this very prestigious university and the town that is built around it in the 1870's, when the school was founded. 


It should be made clear I'm quite unfamiliar with the majority of Aggie traditions I want to do away with, and I really don't think that weakens my stance.  


When TAMU is brought up nationally, all you ever here is "Kyle Field and traditions." There's nothing wrong with that first thing, because it is badass having such an iconic home field, however, there is EVERYTHING wrong that second thing. When your traditions make you look like an idiot, it's time to drop them. Also, College Station is widely known as one of the most conservative, and therefore ignorant, towns in the entire country.


Nationally televised games really only show two groups of Aggies (both of them equally embarrassing): The fucking Yell Leaders and the ROTC/Core of Cadets with their stupid ugly girlfriends. I'll start with the Yell Leaders. There's four or five of these assholes, and they walk around campus and town like they own shit. Can you imagine that if at your university, you had another group of guys who weren't popular athletes? Now imagine that those guys were male cheerleaders. My school has a bunch of Rick Perrys and George Bushs walking around dressed in military pants and goofy cardigans. This is a tradition that NEEDS to go. They have fucking ELECTIONS for these guys, as if they didn't have big enough heads. As for the Cadets getting all the unnecessary shine during games, I suspect that is just ESPN and friends being assholes and redneck'ing Texas up, along with showing the one remaining cowboy left in Texas who rides a horse. 


There is Silver Taps, there is that thing, there is Muster, there is that other thing. I was just informed that there were talks of adding a bar in the newly renovated (AND UBER LEGENDARY, YOU GUYS) Memorial Student Center. They decided against it. The reason? It's a memorial and that is fucking with our goddamn traditions and that is just not gonna happen. They did put Saint Arnold on tap, though!!! THE FUCKING SAINT ARNOLD ROOT BEER. Even UH has a bar in the student hangout center. THE FUCKING UNIVERSITY OF HOUSTON. That fact is unacceptable. 


Now, while I've dogged the traditions, there is a couple that I DID proudly participate in. The Aggie Ring and the subsequent dunking of the ring. Our class ring here is better than yours, because it actually means something in the world. Sorry to break it to you so brashly, Faghorns and others. The day you get that ring, you dunk it in a 60oz pitcher of beer and chug that shit till the ring hits your mouth, at which point it's yours forever. I did that successfully and went to yet another shameful tradition of A&M, Northgate, to get a lot drunker. 


Plus, for my degree to read "Texas A&M" for the major I'm in is a big ass deal, whether you haters like it or not.


So...it's not ALL bad for us Aggies.

The SOTW Roundup 15

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Tim Tebow the Terrorist

Tebowmania: Turn on ESPN, and in between Heat updates and the Not Top Ten, there will be a minimum 10 mentions of Tebow.

When Tebow was completing long passes against the Steelers, there were the 9000 tweets PER SECOND discussing it. He was only 10/31 in that game. He's so bad, but there's no denying the guy is a competitor and probably not as big an asshole as many of his peers.

As for Tebow's success late in games: you know what scared teams do late in a game when they have a narrow lead? They play a prevent-style defense, which allows even the most incapable of QBs to dink and dunk you to death. Tebow is more than capable of completing those passes and then bulldozing his way in for a score, and another week of unwarranted spotlight.

The spotlight is heavy on Tebow's all-American smile and blue eyes, and don't think for one second that this attention is an accident. The NFL has another Peyton Manning...not in skill, but in marketability.

That's a MEAN happy trail and farmer's tan Tebow is rockin'

Tebow's faith is a huge reason that the attention he gets annoys people to so much - he's obnoxiously Christian. It’s no coincidence that we are sick of him, the media doesn’t give us a break from him…it was true with Terrell Owens and LeBron James. Tebow puts his faith in your face every time he opens his mouth. He starts and ends every reporter's question with something like "God bless." Tebow is constantly trying to prove to us HE is Jesus's number one groupie, AND NOT YOU. People are blinded because he doesn't get arrested in strip clubs like Vince Young.

This country's media will hand pick stories and people it prefers and over-cover them. Then, it identifies stories and people it doesn’t care for, and then it spreads hostile propaganda for Harvey Updykes and Haley Barbours across the country. America's number one victims of this vile practice are Middle Eastern and Arabic Muslims. They are demonized as a violent and uncivilized group of heathens, which couldn’t be further from the truth. The media has nothing to gain by accurately portraying us…the message is clear everyday of the year: “They are the enemy, fear the A-Rab.” –Uncle Sam.

All of that said...what if the media's darling, the angelic Tim Tebow, was a Muslim? Let that marinate. Since Americans are incapable of thinking reasonably when they hear the word "Muslim," let me educate you sheep.

You would all hate his motherfucking guts. If Tebow replaced every single "God Bless" with "Allah Akbar," you people would shit yourselves. You should know that "Allah Akbar" translate directly to "God the Great." Allah is not a Muslim god or something; it’s just an Arabic word for "God." 90% of the people reading this KNOW that and choose to act like fucking morons. Harvey Updykes would send death threats to Tebow and any media outlet that dared give him attention and a platform to freely express his Muslim spirituality.

Next I want you to imagine Tebow doing a Muslim gesture of sorts after his TDs, instead of kneeling down on one knee. Can you imagine how (unfairly and assuredly) fans would throw beer and trash onto the field? Twitter would explode, calling Tebow a “sympathizer of terrorism." Islam is the most misunderstood religion in the history of man, and all of that distortion occurred after 9/11. I don't remember the media having a vendetta against white trash after McVeigh killed AMERICAN WOMEN AND CHILDREN. Every April, there's hardly a mention of the anniversary of that horrific event, which was politically motivated and therefore an act of terrorism. I WONDER WHY…oh yeah, it's because white American people are the most blindly racist group of people to ever live.

If Tebow was as overtly Muslim as he is with being a Christian, the differences in those two parallels are really unimaginable. I can't fathom an American society that would embrace a public figure if he were Muslim*. Not only would Tebow's accomplishments be a moot point, but he would get the Pacman treatment, which is assuming evil and inferiority in someone.

If you would still love Tebow if he were a Muslim, you’re either a liar or a morally good person.  

*Muslim Barack Obama doesn’t count.

HBO: Home Boob Office

HBO and Showtime have some of the best shows on TV, primarily because they can say "fuck" and show boobs. This post may sound like I'm railing on the word "fuck" and titties, but it's more about how these are crutches to support tired plots of a show.

The people behind these higher-end shows, so to speak, are apparently pretty lazy because that's all their shows are nowadays. I'm not impressed at how often or cleverly they say FUCK, or express sexual tensions with softcore porn.

How about telling me an actual story? How about making me feel emotion? How about making me laugh at the appropriate time? Why is it that FX can create a mature, GREAT show in 2012 and HBO and Showtime can't?

Every single episode of Californiacation is David Ducoveny banging someone. As if broke writers can live like that and fuck everything in sight. Get the fuck out of here. Weeds....an embarrassment of a show called How To Make It America....what the fuck is this crap?

I haven't watched one minute of Game of Thrones, but from EVERYYYYYONE who I've talked to who HAS watched it has told me it is essentially fantasy porn for nerds and emasculated married men. I don't care about sword fighting and world domination....it's 2012, we have guns that have grenade launchers on them. Move on.

Fuck it, I'm going to go watch Workaholics or something good.

The Chives 2012 NFL Playoff Preview and Prediction Extravaganza

It's January, which means it's playoff time. There's never a need to specify which sport. However, this year the playoffs have a different look, notably the lack of the Jets and Cowboys and the addition of the Houston Texans. The fact that the Texans are in, and the Cowboys and Jets aren't makes my dick harder than a galvanized iron rod. This post is mainly going to be me talking about how awesome it is that the Texans made the playoffs. Sorry for such an awesomely misleading title.

I can remember the games that really turned me into a ride-or-die type of fan. Dante Culpepper and Randy Moss came to Houston and went up 21-0 on us. In the second half, mostly in the 4th quarter if I remember correctly, the Texans rallied back to tie the game. Andre Johnson scored two TDs in the comeback and one of them is forever burned into my mind. The start of overtime, I'm pretty sure the Texans got the ball first and went three and out. Either way, the first play that the Vikings had the ball, Culpepper dropped back and just heaved that shit...Randy Moss was gliding 15 yards ahead of three Texans, and the game was over. It was what I like to call a "miraculous loss." 

Another game was the year the Texans beat the Panthers the year that they went to the Super Bowl. That year we nearly beat the Patriots, too. Vinieteri missed kicks and we had a guy named Roman Walker, who wore my favorite number, block 2 kicks as well. A miraculous loss.

The game against Arizona a few years back where Andre BULLDOZED motherfuckers for rallying 4th quarter TDs. Miraculous loss.

The game against the cocksucking Titans where Sage Rosunfels came in and threw THREE 4th quarter TDs, only for Kerry Collins to drive them down field with a minute left for yet ANOTHER Rod Bironas game winner. I hate that fucking Mexican. Miraculous loss.

The countless games stolen from us against the Colts, either by the refs or our shitty defenses. Usually a combination of both. I can't bring myself to look for video highlights of those goddamn games.

Another recent loss that burns deep in me was the Monday Night game against the Ravens, who I couldn't hate more. ANOTHER 4th quarter rally, only for Schaub to throw a game losing pick 6 in overtime. SIGH.

However, this year was different (with the exception of the rig job by the NFL in the Colts game in week 16). The Texans were the ones on the beneficial end of these miraculous losses, making them miraculous wins. The game against Atlanta where Julio Jones was making plays and just landing out of bounds, or a penalty at the LOS negating the gain. We got lucky as shit that game. The same with the Cincinnati game. The Texans ALWAYS lost these games. I know we had the Kansas City and Washington games last season, but we still lost the same kind of games that season. That's what separates this Texans team from the rest. 

I can't say quite how proud of this team I am. Not Gary Kubiak...I'm talking about the players like Andre who had to be great when this team was god awful. But more than anything, I'm happy for me. I put in an inordinate amount of emotion to my fandom of the Texans, so I am way overdue some winning seasons and playoff success. Do it for Chives, Texans. Do it for Chives.

A Closed Letter to Colts Fans

You're responses are unwanted and irrelevant. 

For years, I've watched scrappy Texans teams play the mighty Indianapolis Colts led by Peyton Manning. Peyton is the greatest QB I've ever laid eyes on, and because of this fact, he's always gotten the benefit of the doubt against completely irrelevant teams like Houston was until this year. 

So twice a year, barring the occasional blowout by the Colts, most of our games were very close and competitive. If the Texans had the lead in the 4th quarter, we never had a lead because Peyton was calling the same 4-5 plays and getting into the endzone. 

He did that to us so many times I'm convinced that he could do that shit IN HIS SLEEP. There are the FAMOUS blown 27-point leads we had on them recent years. Those were the worst. That's the point of this post…I've never forgotten the years of abuse at the hands of Peyton and his cohorts (the refs). The rest of the league hasn't forgotten either. 

However, the happiness I feel from relishing in their demise and bad fortune is transformed to vitrial once again when I realize this horrible season of theirs is landing them ANOTHER (potential) Peyton. They have done NOTHING to deserve that kind of dream scenario for transitioning from a HOF QB to the greatest QB prospect since said HOF QB. Every draft pick for the most part makes you scratch your head. Every coaching decision makes you question the credibility of their staff. They are an entirely incompetent organization who struck FUCKING GOLD with Peyton. Now THIS LA Clippers-of-an-organization gets the cure dropped right onto their laps. Man, fuck that town and its fans. They don't deserve any happiness stemming from the success of a sports franchise…NONE.

If the Colts had beaten anyone OTHER than the faggy Titans, I'd still consider that ass winless. I can't say the happiness I feel in seeing the Colts' franchise lose all of its bandwagon fans, which like UT, is 99% of the fanbase.

Even If Andrew Luck isn't a hall of fame STUD like Peyton, I don't think there's a doubt the dude will carry a franchise for years; a franchise that happens to be in the AFC South with the Texans. The popular idea (which I am in the belief of) that Houston is a "cursed city" is constantly manifesting itself on our sports franchises. 

I wrote a blog post right before the season saying I didn't feel bad about the Colts and their fucking douchebag fans, but I did feel bad for Peyton. Not anymore, I couldn't care less if Peyton never played a snap again.

That city is WAY overdue for a Texans-like run of suckiness and it doesn't look they'll ever get it unless they completely botch the offseason. I wouldn't put it past the Colts to fuck this golden opportunity up…Jim Irsay is yet to put together a coherent English sentence, and I'm supposed to believe that fuckin guy can rebuild an NFL team?