Friday, August 12, 2011

The SOTW Roundup 4

How was your weekend? If you’re an American or British (i.e. white), chances are you had a shitty week. The U.S. credit rating was lowered by Standard & Poor’s (no reference to “poor” in this rant…I’m better than that). In result, the stock market plunged one day, then went up the next, then plunged again, then went up again. You know, like every other fucking week on Wall Street! Meanwhile, across the Atlantic, London had mad crazy riots. Were they revolting against inequality? No? How about standing up against the slavery caused by the king and queen? Out of date? No, they rioted because a cop shot a gangbanger who posed a threat. In other words, poor assholes said, “Hey, I need a flat-screen TV and free liquor…let’s riot!” Rather than say that, they played the race card, Al Sharpton style. Two world powers collapsing at the same time. The Mayans may be right. Since our existence is running short, let’s move on to the Roundup!

You know who isn’t suffering from the economic meltdown v.2.0? 55-year-old casino executive Allen Samuels. In fact, he’s doing so well, he decided to dip into the rap industry. Check out this "awesome" rap song he did. Love it or hate it, you have to admit, it’s better than the newest Lil Wayne single raping my ear-pussy.

Speaking of people who shouldn’t rap, RICH Hil is back at it. You remember RICH from a few weeks back. You don’t? Don’t worry, not even his father, Tommy Hilfiger, acknowledges his existence. Anyhoo, check out his newest music video. It may be god awful, but again, better than Lil Wayne’s newest single.* 

Some day, I’m going to be a part of the Mile High Club (whether or not the girl consents). Which makes you wonder, do pilots get their fuck on in the planes? Wonder no more. Photos have leaked showing a stewardess giving a pilot a blowjob on a Cathay Pacific plane. You can check out the photos here (NSFW). Cathay Pacific will be conducting an investigation. Two things: (1) stewardesses are hot again? A stewardess on my flights have been burnt out 50-year-olds (i.e. the same hot stewardesses associated with airliners 30 years ago). (2) This investigation better find out exactly how awesome this pilot is. What’s the crime of getting a blowjob 30,000 feet above ground from a hot, consenting Asian? Except for the crime of being more badass than you?!?! Little known fact, vaginas and penises in Asia are naturally pixilated.

Earlier this week, Apple was ranked Most Valuable Company, surpassing Exxon fucking Mobil! Ten years ago, only poor people owned an Apple computer. Now, only rich people own Apple products. If Apple products are worth more than oil, countries will go to war over the iPad 3 whenever it comes out. Seems hard to believe they make that much money. At any rate, I need to finish writing this roundup on my MacBook and simultaneously check my Twitter feed on my iPad while listening to my iPod (yes, I own all three. No, I’m not rich…I’m writing for this blog for fuck’s sake).

In “Really? Again?!?!” new this week, another group of hipster fagtards showed how hip and faggy they are buy doing stupid shit on a New York subway. This week, a bunch of douchnozzles threw a party on the subway. Yes, every roundup thus far has featured one of these unoriginal bastards. Until every hipster is shot dead (no hipsters in heaven), this will continue to happen. This is why I pollute the air by driving a car everywhere…to avoid this. If they hop into my car, I will go Thelma and Louise on their ass!

Want to make money in the future? Don’t go to college. But if you do, don't study journalism. A new study reveals the average salary for a new journalism/mass communication graduate is $30,000/year in 2010. The same it was in 2009, 2008, 2007, and 2006. Inflation has gone up, but the salary of a journalist. Don’t believe in studies? Well, take it from me…I recently graduated with a journalism/mass communication degree and I’m writing for this fucking blog for free and do a podcast for free! I should have went to med school. I would probably would have killed a lot of patients, but at least I’d be rich.

The Playboy featuring Mercede Johnston is about to be released (NSFW)! “Who’s Mercede Johnston” you ask? She’s the sister of the guy who impregnated the daughter of a cunty politician no one likes. Now, I’m almost vehemently against untalented no-names getting famous and making money by doing absolutely nothing…UNLESS nudes of a hot chick are involved. She may not have done shit, but she’s hot and naked, and for that, I salute her!

Speaking of naked hot chicks, wouldn’t it be cool to watch porn while at work? How about watching an actual porn shoot while at work?!?! This guy did! While looking at the other building next to his through the window, this guy noticed a naked chick spreading it in front of the camera next to an open window. When my dad lived in a high-rise apartment (the shitty kind, not the penthouse kind), I would turn the lights off and look at the neighbors in the building next to it through the blinds with binoculars. All I got to see was elderly people, boring people, and once saw a guy beating off while looking at me looking at other people (considering I was 13 at the time, it now seems a lot weirder than it did at the time).

Speaking of adults being sexually inappropriate with teenagers (back-to-back segues!), a youth pastor got busted doing naughty things. Shocker. A “man of God” getting busted for something pedophilia related. In this incident, a 26-year-old pastor doused 4 teenage girls in honey at a youth camp and told them to hit the showers and get it off (part of game to see who can do it the fastest…don’t ask). Inside the showers? What else other than cameras! How he got caught is the best part. He ended up marrying one of the girls years later, and told her what he had done four years ago! She then told the police. Which once again shows, never tell your girlfriend or wife shit!!! Oh, and don’t film 15 & 17-year-old girls naked…well, at least keep it to yourself.

Last week, I had a “Cunt Mother of the Week” award. This week, I have a “You Shouldn’t of Had Children” award, and it’s a 30-way tie! Parents at a little league game got into it…again. This time, it involved a white, suburban team versus a minority, urban team. So racial and gay slurs were flying as well as bats. The article doesn’t go into details, but here’s my guess: the inner-city team (the team with more Hispanics) was driving up the score against the white kids (stick to lacrosse and being the QB or place kicker). Upset at his child’s team getting raped, a judge demanded the opposing team present their green cards. From there, race war! Bad News Bears would have been better with that premise.

Speaking of baseball bats, sales of baseball bats on Amazon went up 5000% in England this week! Finally, those blimey, tea-drinking, tooth-decaying bastards decided to embrace the sport of baseball. I find it weird that the country as a whole got into baseball all in the same week. I do know one thing: this has absolutely nothing to do with the riots. Nothing. At. All. In other news, gimp masks and ball gag sales went up 10,000% in Texas.**

Want to know what it’s like to be famous and get tons of fan mail? Well, there's an app for that. After giving your name and occupation, this app will send you a shit ton of fan mail telling you how awesome and inspirational you are. The app also comes with a lifetime supply of Prozac and a list of therapists in your area.

I hate children, but I love dogs. That’s why I’ll abort all possible children of my own and own a nice, cheap, and expendable dog. However, I want the best education for my dog. Thank god for this Ivy League-esque doggy daycare! Just like sending your child to an upscale, New York City prep school, you can also send your dog to an upscale, New York City school for dogs. Not any dog can get in. You have to pass the three-page application, family interview, and three-hour monitoring of playtime. I am not making any of this up. Seriously though. If you pay for this kind of service, kill yourself. Not figuratively speaking. Literally stick a loaded shotgun in your mouth and pull the trigger. I’ll see you in hell. Other requirements, only white, American dogs need apply. No Afghan hounds or chihuahuas unless their father or grandfather is an alumni…which is unlikely since ONLY WHITE DOGS GET IN! I may have made that up…but probably true.

For more humorous slants on the news and just straight up funny shit, listen to Soundtrack of the Week on iTunes or at Otherwise, the London rioters will stop playing baseball.

* By the way, Lil Wayne’s new single is fucking terrible!
** I completely made that up.

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