Tuesday, August 14, 2012

British Paterno

There were quite a few (THOUSAND) BP commercials during the London Olympics. Since the Deepwater Horizon disaster, which with the help of Transocean and the omnipresent Halliburton, permanently ruined the Gulf of Mexico, BP starting running commercials in the States. The commercials depicted them bullshitting as if they were on top of the Gulf long after it had left the mainstream’s mind. Leading up to and during the Olympics, BP showed that they, a British company, were fully behind American Olympians. Hmm…wonder why they feel the need to support OUR athletes so publicly.

Time for a Chives History Lesson: Once upon a time, there was an evil company called The Anglo-Persian Oil Company. Like the imperialistic nations of the US and the UK tend to do, they went into a resource-rich country, and exploited it. That country in this instance was Iran, still Persia at the time. After some time, the Persians, RIGHTFULLY GODDAMN SO, took their oil back from the evil imperialists, nationalizing the oil supply. So what was the APOC and CIA’s response to this nonviolent and completely moral (not to mention, economically logical) action? Assassinate the Shah of Iran and put in their own guy. Nothing quite says “America” and “the West” like bullying the rest of the world like the small-dicked white men they are. Soon after, this company changed their name. The name they picked? British Petroleum.

So, that’s BP, an evil, piece of shit British company. However, BP employs a lot of bright, good-hearted people. Big oil has such a stranglehold on this world; it holds the planet hostage to a single PRACTICAL energy source. These companies have done a lot of fucked up shit and never suffer the appropriate consequences. Halliburton got a guy into the White House who subsequently started killing tens of thousands of civilians monthly in order to rape those countries of their oil. There are no more counter arguments to that statement, so stop reading and fuck off right now if you think otherwise, because your soul cannot be saved.

The rank-and-file, the engineers, the scientists, etc. of BP are probably all really good people on average, who are left with the negative stigma of their company. THEY didn’t kill the Shah…THEY didn’t destroy the Gulf of Mexico…but no one, including myself, really excuses them when bashing the company as a whole (until now, I suppose).

A similar situation, and the inspiration for this rare blog post, is the Penn State scandal. It’s not like the fans and alumni were cheering Sandusky on while he plowed children on campus, but they aren’t as proud to be all “WE ARE PENN STATE, BITCHES” as loudly as before. Same with BP employees, I have to got to imagine your average BP employee tries not to mention which company he works for when he meets people because he knows the first thing they’re going to think. I also really doubt you’ll find a Nittany Lion being so vocal about where he got his degree, because he knows the first thing he’ll hear back is, “so what’s it like having sex with little bros?”

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