Wednesday, January 4, 2012

The Chives 2012 NFL Playoff Preview and Prediction Extravaganza

It's January, which means it's playoff time. There's never a need to specify which sport. However, this year the playoffs have a different look, notably the lack of the Jets and Cowboys and the addition of the Houston Texans. The fact that the Texans are in, and the Cowboys and Jets aren't makes my dick harder than a galvanized iron rod. This post is mainly going to be me talking about how awesome it is that the Texans made the playoffs. Sorry for such an awesomely misleading title.

I can remember the games that really turned me into a ride-or-die type of fan. Dante Culpepper and Randy Moss came to Houston and went up 21-0 on us. In the second half, mostly in the 4th quarter if I remember correctly, the Texans rallied back to tie the game. Andre Johnson scored two TDs in the comeback and one of them is forever burned into my mind. The start of overtime, I'm pretty sure the Texans got the ball first and went three and out. Either way, the first play that the Vikings had the ball, Culpepper dropped back and just heaved that shit...Randy Moss was gliding 15 yards ahead of three Texans, and the game was over. It was what I like to call a "miraculous loss." 

Another game was the year the Texans beat the Panthers the year that they went to the Super Bowl. That year we nearly beat the Patriots, too. Vinieteri missed kicks and we had a guy named Roman Walker, who wore my favorite number, block 2 kicks as well. A miraculous loss.

The game against Arizona a few years back where Andre BULLDOZED motherfuckers for rallying 4th quarter TDs. Miraculous loss.

The game against the cocksucking Titans where Sage Rosunfels came in and threw THREE 4th quarter TDs, only for Kerry Collins to drive them down field with a minute left for yet ANOTHER Rod Bironas game winner. I hate that fucking Mexican. Miraculous loss.

The countless games stolen from us against the Colts, either by the refs or our shitty defenses. Usually a combination of both. I can't bring myself to look for video highlights of those goddamn games.

Another recent loss that burns deep in me was the Monday Night game against the Ravens, who I couldn't hate more. ANOTHER 4th quarter rally, only for Schaub to throw a game losing pick 6 in overtime. SIGH.

However, this year was different (with the exception of the rig job by the NFL in the Colts game in week 16). The Texans were the ones on the beneficial end of these miraculous losses, making them miraculous wins. The game against Atlanta where Julio Jones was making plays and just landing out of bounds, or a penalty at the LOS negating the gain. We got lucky as shit that game. The same with the Cincinnati game. The Texans ALWAYS lost these games. I know we had the Kansas City and Washington games last season, but we still lost the same kind of games that season. That's what separates this Texans team from the rest. 

I can't say quite how proud of this team I am. Not Gary Kubiak...I'm talking about the players like Andre who had to be great when this team was god awful. But more than anything, I'm happy for me. I put in an inordinate amount of emotion to my fandom of the Texans, so I am way overdue some winning seasons and playoff success. Do it for Chives, Texans. Do it for Chives.


  1. Ramon Walker, Chivesy.

  2. Whatever, I was in 7th or 8th grade or some shit.

  3. You copied my thoughts Chives and I'm reporting you to whoever handles stolen thoughts. Good shit. -rejean_

  4. I got through the first three sentences and though, "Oh my damn...Chivesy is going to try his hand at a publish-able post!" And then came the 'galvanized iron rod' dick comment.

    Anyways, I agree with the sentiment that the Texans are finally winning those games where you just know that one bounce will define the outcome.

    Texans 21-17.