Inventors!

Inventors of useless garbage that is sold on infomercials, when only people without basic cable are watching: This guy with basic cable needs YOU fuckers to invent something useful, for someone useful.

Have you fellas ever woken up in the middle of the night and needed to pee (of course yall have, most of yall reading this are double my age)? Are you like me, where you aren't a dirty asshole, and wash your hands every time you touch your dick (REGARDLESS of its infinite glory/capabilities)? If so, then my plea is for you too.

I need these nerdy crackheads who invented the Shamwow to come up with a device with real use: one that allows me to take a piss, standing, accurately, and without having direct contact with Ole Shankydoodle.

I could totally be the spokesman for the end-product. Or it could be this guy