Friday, July 1, 2011

The Dismantling of Tracy McGrady

Tracy McGrady looking right...and left, simultaneously.
This is not going to be a hostile article like my Vince Young article. Vince, Pryor and Cam all deserve to be called cunt-stains. Tracy was on my team. He was my favorite athlete. He broke my heart and he couldn't have cared less about it. This post is one of disappointment and anger. 

Love At First Sight:

First, there was the press conference where he was introduced to our city. It wasn't all for cameras and artificial like the Miami Heatles' little stunt. It was genuine - fans decided on their own to welcome McGrady-Yao pairing. He said he wanted to bring us a championship.

I have memories of T-Mac that even he couldn't ruin for me. The 13 points in 35 seconds against the Spurs...watching Tracy hit four three-pointers in a row, including a game-winner as time expired, is an all-time sports memory for me.

Then, there was our devastating playoff series against the Dallas Mavericks. The first two games, Tracy played like Michael. Earth-shattering dunks and game winning shots ON THE ROAD. He carried a team on his back.

I can't tell you the excitement I felt being up 2-0 on the heavily favored and heavily hated Dallas Mavericks. It's like these recent seasons where the Texans look like they're finally done being morons, but then still end the season 7-9, except this was the playoffs, against fucking faggot was one of the most heartbreaking moments of my sports life.

He choked, as he always does, and didn't close out a playoff series for us. After the 40-point loss to the Mavericks in game 7, he got on the podium and said "My team will be back. I will be better and my team will be better."

Even with the fresh wound of the game 7 blowout, him saying that with the confidence that he did...that got me. What a bunch of fucking bullshit that turned out to be. 

Hall of Shamer:

Tracy had every tool to become the next MJ. Kobe and LeBron don't have the basketball IQ and natural greatness that Tracy had. Kobe worked his fucking ass off to be a top 5 all-time great. LeBron has been ushered into that position by the media and his sometimes incredible play on the court. 

Tracy was different. Tracy saw the court, could hit any shot, and jump through the rafters. What separates him from Kobe and Jordan? Work ethic. Tracy had every god-given gift an NBA legend needed to cement a legacy of championships, yet he squandered it away. He never trained his body; he never stayed in shape the way a max player should.

The Dismantling:

This article, like several scrolls and scriptures in the Church of Chives, was provoked by an asinine tweet (usually by a retardo athlete). This is the tweet by McGrady:

Are you fucking kidding me? I know that cock-eyed motherfucker T-Mac has made hundreds of millions of dollars in max NBA contracts and ALL of the endorsements he had over his unfulfiling career. He's making these kind of statements? I already root against Tracy and his career, but now this shit is personal. Where does Tracy get off complaining about the NBA lockout? This is like if Peyton Manning, one of the NFL's most well paid players on and off the field, started bitching about the NFL lockout hurting his pockets.

It's one thing for a good-for-nothing, assbanged, piece of trailer park trash like Jason Babin to complain about not getting paid. Actually...FUCK that motherfucker. Maybe if these undrafted free agent rookies complained, so be it - it's still better than hearing a prominently paid player to make immature comments about money. 

Tracy, Mow My Fucking Lawn:

So yes T-Mac, I'll take you up on that offer. I want you to mow my fucking lawn in this 100 degree, extremely humid Houston weather. I'm pretty sure I can imagine how it would work out:

Tracy: Yo bossman Chives, I think I tore my ACL turning the mower around that tree.

Chives: This isn't a micro-fracture, Dr. McGrady. I don't need your amateur diagnosis. Get back to fucking work and earn the max contract you stole from the Rockets. 

Tracy: But it's SO hot man…my back, and my knees…and my lazy eye and….and…!!...

*Tracy breaks into a weeping tantrum*

Chives: Get back to work, Tracy, and shut your goddamned cocksucking mouth.

Closing Thoughts:

Just to be clear, I'm really not cool with any professional athlete bitching about money. The lowest paid guys still get paid more than what most REAL people get paid, so them not having cash or credit is ALWAYS a case of that particular athlete mismanaging his money. So fuck them all once they open their mouths about money to the public. I never wanna hear it. 

Owners and players can both suck a bleeding AIDS-infected cock for putting fans through this bullshit. T-Mac can do the same thing for completely quitting on his team, coaches, and the city of Houston.

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