I probably don’t need a link to an article for the Norwegian shooting that has happened. Considering you are on the Internet, you should know. My thoughts go out to the victims and their families. I still consider Norway to be among the better, most progressive countries in the world. With that said, this is proof that no one is completely safe and that there are bad seeds everywhere. However, that doesn’t mean we should live in constant fear every moment of our lives. It does mean that we should embrace every single day and not be a douche to other people. Carpe diem! Now that I have bummed you out, ON TO THE ROUNDUP!!!!!!!!!
AskMen has released their 2011 Great Male Survey. 32% of men say that beer is the ultimate man’s drink. If the other 68% didn’t say whiskey, they did the survey in San Francisco. 48% percent said they would dump their girlfriend if she got fat. I’m assuming the other 52% are either liars or fat themselves.
Amy Winehouse died. At the time of this article, the cause of death is yet to be known. I’m not a doctor, but I’m going to take a wild guess at this one. Snake bite. Definitely not the drug abuse though. In related news, congratulations to Twitter follower @hanklayton for guessing Amy Winehouse in the celebrity death pool. Unfortunately, one person guessed Betty Ford and another guessed Liz Taylor, so you don’t get a prize. No one has guessed the male celebrity, so that prize is still up for grabs!
Speaking of Amy Winehouse, congressman Billy Long had to apologize for an insensitive tweet that you can read about here. Two things: 1) There was nothing insensitive about his tweet. It was 100% true and made his point. 2) This guy is fucking hilarious. I’ll vote for him. I’m tired of people calling out celebrities on their tweets. Either unfollow them or quit being such a whiny bitch. Unless a celebrity calls your mom a cunt, why do you give a shit? You don’t, so SHUT THE FUCK UP!
You’re never going to believe this, but I found a video of chaos on a New York subway! Yeah, no shit! I mean, I always thought that NYC is the greatest city on Earth, and everyone is happy there. You know, minus the WEEKLY NYC subway videos popping up, the violence, the corrupt police, and that one thing that happened a decade ago.
Facebook yanked the cover of Nevermind off their website. They eventually apologized and put it back up, but only after everyone bitched at them for the dumbass move. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why I abandoned Facebook for Twitter. Mark Zuckerberg has turned Facebook the Chuck E. Cheese of social media, whereas is the Hooters, nay, the BYOB all-nude strip club of social media. When faced with the those options, guess where I’m going.
This week in “Stupid Political Pundit Says Stupid Shit,” Glenn Beck compares the Norwegian kids who were killed to the Hitler Youth. I’m 100% convinced that Glenn Beck doesn’t believe in half the shit he says. Usually I don’t have a problem with people being completely absurd in order to make money (if I ever get paid to do Soundtrack of the Week, that is EXACTLY what I will be doing). However, when millions of people believe in your bullshit, that is a problem. Another example: Lady Gaga believes she is an artist. THAT is more damaging to society than Glenn Beck.
I decided to give you all some Help Desk advice this week. Google Plus is trying really hard to be relevant. I’m on it, and I must say, it will die a quick and awful death. Unless they allow you to post nudes and dislike status updates, they are doing nothing different or special. However, if you want to give it a try here’s how to import your Facebook friends to Google Plus. Don’t worry, you won’t be able to add any of them, since no one is on Google Plus!
When I was a kid, we would TP people’s houses and write on their car with shoe polish. Man, how things have changed. Earlier this week, an Internet prankster sent the SWAT team to a cyberbullying expert's home. 10 of 10 for creativity, 10 out 10 for sweet irony, and 9 out 10 for execution (minus one point since the SWAT team didn’t bomb the house with tear gas). Don’t tell me you wouldn’t have done the same when you were a kid if you had the technology to do it.
Looks like MILFs are whoring it up. According to a study, 40-year-old women are out partying more than ever. A part of me enjoys this since I have a fantasy of fucking someone’s mom. Another part of me dislikes this since it’s very indicative of where society is going. It used to be that when you turned 40 you’re supposed to be a fully mature adult that has left those party days behind in order to maintain order in your household, therefore, society in general. If every mother is hitting the nightclubs and grinding on my thigh…wait…nevermind. I fully support this new liberating movement!
A suspicious man was seen photographing kids at a park. Quick! Grab your kids and call the FBI!!! Or you can chill the fuck out and use logic and reasoning to come to the conclusion that it was a man photographing is grandchildren. That’s right. After getting several calls, the Pocatello police of Idaho warned people of a suspicious man photographing children at a park. Upon hearing the news, the grandfather turned himself and explained he was photographing his grandchildren. Stuff like this happens all the time. If you drop your sacked lunch near the courthouse, the bomb squad has to pick it up. If you’re brown, god forbid you look anywhere but straightforward at the airport. In this particular, I blame Chris Hansen and To Catch A Predator. Before that show, pedophiles were a rare breed. Since the show, everyone is a pedophile. I’m led to believe that Thailand has less pedophiles than the United States at this point.
Not only are pranksters getting more creative, but so are criminals. A man robbed a cupcake store with an HIV-infected syringe. This article scares the living shit out of me…WHY ARE THERE SO MANY CUPCAKE STORES?!?! All over the nation, cupcake stores are popping up like McDonald’s and Starbucks. What is this fascination with cupcakes? I like a cupcake as much as the next overweight American (that’s redundant), but is the demand that high? If it is, no wonder we’re so goddamn fat. When will society reach a point where health food shops are popping up everywhere? Probably when all the fat people die of a heart attack.
I know one man who might agree with that last rant: Morrissey. In fact, Morrissey compared fast food to the Norway massacre. Anyone who follows me on Twitter knows I have a deep hatred for hipsters, and this is exactly why. Every hipster worships at the altar of Morrissey and they all agree with stupid shit like this. Is fast food horrible for your health? Yes. Is it comparable to a fucking massacre? No! With that said, shut the fuck up and continue to sing god awful, “woe is me” songs which all sound the fucking same. By the way, apparently, being a vegan turns you into a racist sack of untalented shit. Eat meat!