Friday, August 5, 2011

The SOTW Roundup 3

Looks like the government finally got their shit together and passed a debt ceiling bill. I don’t know the details of the bill, because frankly, I don’t give a damn. The only thing this debt ceiling debacle has accomplished was shining a big, bright light on Capital Hill and how politicians are more concerned with theatrics and party loyalty than actually saving the country. Despite their ability to eventually compromise, in the end, we’re all doomed. What I do care about is MTV’s 30th birthday! If you’re not convinced our society is doomed from the debt ceiling, than watch the evolution of MTV from birth up until the big 3-0. I’m pretty sure MTV had it’s growth stunted at the age of 14 and will perpetually stay at the age. Whatever. On to the Roundup…GTL, baby!!!!!

Missouri passed a law that bans teachers from adding students to Facebook or other social media. The purpose of this bill is to prevent teachers from molesting students. One side argues that this overkill and that social media is an effective way to reach students. I agree in the sense that kids today check their Facebook more than they check to see if they are still breathing. However, I also agree with the other side that says that teachers should not allow their students into their personal lives. Let’s face it, social media is more than a form of communication. It’s also a look into our private lives. Teachers have no business sharing their personal thoughts, photos, etc with their students. Despite which side you take, let’s take a look at the larger picture here: pedophiles are going to molest children regardless! Do you think a pedophile teacher was planning to sexually assault a student, was denied access to Facebook, and said to himself “Dammit! I guess I’ll just play Angry Birds.”

Speaking of pedophile teachers on computers, this teacher was caught searching for underage Miley Cyrus nudes. This genius left porn on the screen when showing a coworker a PowerPoint presentation, which sparked an investigation. Two things: (1) every avid porn searcher (I am one) should know the golden rule: close all windows and clear your search history (also, title your porn folder “Income Taxes”) and (2) DON’T DO IT ON THE WORK COMPUTER! Get a smartphone and look at porn that way if you can’t wait until you get home (which is what I do when waiting for a haircut).

America is fat. Everyone knows this. Rather than lose weight and get healthy, why not just embrace the fact you’re a lazy fat ass? Apparently, there’s a new movement that let's fat people know that size doesn't matter when it comes to being healthy. Except, it does matter (just like the famous bullshit line “size doesn’t matter” when referencing dick size…it does…or maybe I just suck at sex. Whatever). We live in a world where it’s not okay to judge and everybody needs to feel like a winner. Well, guess what? We can judge because there are patterns in human behavior, and everyone is not a winner. Some of us suck at life and being told we don’t does more damage than good. We’ll see how these “fat is healthy” camps go when the percentage of people returning home is far less than soldiers returning home from the Vietnam War.

We all know that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are horrible humans. Well, everyone except for them…until now. With the two of them living at Spencer’s mom’s beach house (white people problems) because they’re “broke” and Heidi looking like a freak show, justice has been served. Well, almost. In China, they would have to kill themselves for dishonoring their family. Just sayin’.

The Princeton Review has released their Top Party Schools list. This year, Ohio University tops the list. Not surprising seeing as how there is nothing else to do in Athens, Ohio. The University of Georgia in Athens, Georgia placed second. This leads me to the conclusion that if you want to get fucked up and date rape college girls, move to a town named Athens (for anal sex, move to Athens, Greece). In a shocking turned of events, Brigham Young topped the list for Most Sober school. I bet they also top the list for Most Closest Homosexuals. Also, congratulations to the University of Colorado for being the Most Stoned school. I give the Most Meth Heads award to the University of Missouri.

If you want a play-by-play of the SEALs operation that brought down Bin Laden, read this New Yorker article. It breaks down exactly what happened that night in Abbottabad, Afghanistan. It’s badass and I hope that they make a movie out of it…Michael Bay cannot touch it! Give this to an independent filmmaker so they stay true to the story. Bieber should play Bin Laden and Vin Diesel should NOT play anyone in the movie.

Women may get free coverage for birth control. If this passes, women will not have to pay any type of co-pay for birth control. This is great considering I am tired of being responsible for safe sex by using that rubber thingy that makes sex 1000 times less enjoyable. Also, it’ll save taxpayers billions of dollars for not having to pay welfare to the adults who were unwanted children that their mother hated and their father ran away from. Next in line, free coverage for Rohypnol for men.

Apparently, the fashion industry has a hard-on for a 10-year-old girl. That hard-on is probably both metaphorical and literal. I have always believed that fashion is like modern art: the finished product is complete shit until you put a famous name behind it. Here’s how you know you have crossed the line: if I put the fashion photos on my desktop and can be arrested for it, the line has been crossed. Also if they are so skinny that I can see my penis bulge through their stomach when having sex with a model, you have crossed a line. The more you know.

If there’s one guy who digs the photos of the 10-year-old model, it’s this guy. Police in Idaho has warned a man to stop wearing his bunny suit in public. Apparently, this guy just walks around in a bunny suit all the time. That’s not weird enough? He has also been seen in a cowboy outfit and ballerina costume. I should probably scratch my plans of starting jogging in my fairy costume. Sounded like a good idea at the time.

Here's a breakdown of the student loan situation. If you don’t feel like reading the 6-page analysis, I’ll give you the short story: we’re all fucked, don’t go to college! The cost of loans for post-graduate work is absurd. Undergrad rates are not much better. In fact, the cost of college has increased exponentially faster than the rate of inflation over the past decade. Unless mom and dad are paying for college, don’t study some bullshit major like communications, philosophy, or any type of art, and you better finish in four years. In other words, become a doctor or lawyer or learn a trade skill. Take it from me, I have a journalism degree and I’m writing for the fucking Chives Gospel blog!

This weeks Cunt Mother of the Week goes to Leonie Myles! Mrs. Myles entered her autistic child in a beauty contest. When her daughter won the Best Personality award, she accused the judges of running a tainted show. Her reasoning?  Tahnee's social skills would not include having the best personality.” Congratulations! You are a horrible mother, and don’t be surprised when your daughter becomes a stripper and brings home an Aborigine (this took place in Australia, by the way).

Teens are the only people who want to see gay people on tv. Fact. According to a study, teens are the only people who are accepting of seeing two dudes make out. I’m assuming being okay with seeing two chicks making out applies to all ages. This is great news for any straight male in high school! You’re chances of getting with the hot chick at school has increased since the competition is getting smaller. When I was in high school, the well dressed, fit guy was in fact straight and got laid often. He set the bar high for the rest of us (asshole!), therefore making it difficult to compete (that’s my excuse, anyway). Nowadays, that same guy is probably gay. In the future, I see guys making out at parties just like chicks. With that said, my generation wasn’t all that bad.

Lastly, Four Loko is still getting shit from the squares. A study shows that 11 people with the average age of 16 were hospitalized in one hospital in a four-month period in 2010 due to Four Loko. This must be proof that this is a terrible drink. What this study doesn’t tell us is how many 16-year-olds are hospitalized for drinking any kind of alcohol in a four-month period. Look, the only people who ODed on Four Loko were high school kids and college girls, i.e. dumbasses who can’t handle their liquor. I drank Four Loko when it was around, and look at me! Okay, bad example, but I did not end up in a hospital. Back in 2008 on Halloween, I was carried off in an ambulance. Apparently, I passed out in the middle of a busy bar district of Kansas City. This was BEFORE Four Loko. I drank beer and Jaeger. Perhaps we should ban Bud Light and Jaeger now OR we can just accept the fact that some people go overboard every now and then and that is that. Why should a few high school kids and dumb sorority bitches ruin an awesome thing like Four Loko for the rest of us? For every dumb slut in the hospital due to Four Loko, there are a thousand more people having an awesome time drinking Four Loko. VIVA FOUR LOKO!

For more Four Loko-fueled rants and comedy, listen to Soundtrack of the Week at or listen to it on iTunes. Don’t forget to follow Ty on Twitter at @SOTWpodcast. If you don’t, MTV will only get worse for the next 30 years.

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