Wednesday, September 14, 2011

The SOTW Roundup 8

The 10th anniversary of 9/11 was this past Sunday. That was definitely the JFK/moon landing of my generation (Y-generation). I was in the counselors’ office at the University of Kansas (rock chalk!) getting ready to dropout of my first semester of college. Someone came in saying the Pentagon hide been bombed. I didn’t believe a word of it since most people say stupid shit all the time or at the very least, mainstream news outlets report stuff prematurely and sensationally. When I got back to my dorm to see everyone glued to the televisions, shit got real. That day, the entire nation banned together as one. It only took a few days for everything to change…for the worse. The aftermath: a war we’ll never win, surveillance and security that’s getting closer to George Orwell’s 1984, and ignorant racism towards a new group (Mid-Easterners), all of which has led to a culture of constant fear. The United States had been established for 225 years before someone got even close to fucking with us, and when they did…well…we lit them up! In many ways, the terrorists won, in the fact that life hasn’t been the same since. However, the U.S. is still as powerful as it was before. As history has proven over and over again, every empire eventually falls. The Romans? Done. The British? Done. The United States of America? Still going strong, BUT someday will fall. The 9/11 attacks was an attempt to end our empire, and that attempt failed miserably. In all honesty, the only one to bring down the empire are the people within the empire itself. Politically, we are killing ourselves like the empires of the past, but that’s a whole different rant in and of itself. Now that you are completely depressed and headed towards that bottle of Jack Daniels…ON TO THE ROUNDUP!

There are some crimes that will automatically make you someone’s bitch in prison because you are weak: ID theft, tax fraud, sex with animal corpses (necrobestiality?), tweeting. Yeah, you read that last one right. In Mexico, 140 characters can get you 30. Two guys in Veracruz tweeted false reports of gunmen attacking schools. The result: mass panic and 26 car crashes. The defendants face a sentencing of 30 years in prison if convicted of…oh, who the fuck knows? It’s Mexico! The country is ran by drug cartels that kill thousands of people. Mexican law enforcement (and even their military) can’t do a damn thing about it. Maybe it’s because they are arresting people for TWEETING! Remember all of those movies where the criminals would try to flee to Mexico? That scenario doesn’t hold up nowadays…that place sucks!

Speaking of shitty laws in shitty countries, you can be fined $14,000 in France for not fucking your wife. Article 215 of France’s civil code states that a married couple must agree to a “shared communal life.” According to French judge, that includes sex. So after someone’s wife divorced him due to lack of “intimacy” (i.e. fucking), the court compensated her 10,000 euros. Considering their president is Sarkozy, I’m not surprised that not getting enough pussy (or dick, in this case) can be against the law. The funny thing about this case is that the WOMAN is claiming lack of sex. This is going to open the floodgates (Katrina-style) for every MAN in France who claims his wife doesn’t blow him enough! Seriously. How do you accurately enforce this law and where do you draw the line? You can’t, which is why this law is fucking stupid! Then again, we’re talking about France here…shocker!!!

You’re not going to believe it, but I have ANOTHER story involving shitty rules in a country. I have a feeling this won’t be the last either. Well, this one doesn’t involve a rule per se, but close enough. If you like Halloween-themed flip-flops, don't go to Lebanon. A storeowner in Beirut was selling sandals…actually, click the link and see it yourself. I’ll wait…okay. The Christians in that city were offended by the crosses on the flip-flops and forced the storeowner (a Muslim) to shut down. This is one of MANY reasons why I don’t believe in religion or a god. Other than the fact that religions are merely fairytales trying to explain scientific phenomena that they couldn’t fathom thousands of years ago, religious people are constantly causing trouble that their own fucking religion says NOT TO DO! If the storeowner was a Christian rather than Muslim, they wouldn’t give a shit. But since he doesn’t believe in the THEIR fake god, these SHOES are a big deal. You’ll never meet an atheist who is offended by a fucking shoe! This also tells you how great America is. We had a mainstream movie where a possessed little girl jams a cross in her vagina while screaming “Let Jesus fuck you!” But in Lebanon, you can’t have a shoe with a cross on it. God bless America!

Hey! Let’s go for four articles in a row why America is better than everyone else! If you’re still not convinced that America is great, let’s take a trip to Iran. On Sunday, three men were hung for violating the following Sharia penal codes: Article 108: "Sodomy (or Lavat) is sexual intercourse between men”, and Article 110 says: “Punishment for sodomy is killing; the Sharia judge decides on how to carry out the killing." In other words, they were killed for being gay (also, insert “penal code” joke here). Currently, Americans are split on whether or not gay marriage should be legalized. At the same time, homosexuality is widely accepted and featured in many mainstream movies and television shows (see: True Blood, which is practically gay porn). Hell, we even have a television station just for them (Logo). I’m actually attracted to a transsexual porn star that is a regular on my podcast. I’m a bit confused about that, but I don’t feel that weird about it either…okay, maybe a little, but that’s beside the point. Meanwhile, gays in Iran are being publicly hung. So if you’re gay in America and feel violated about not being able to legally marry, think about living in Iran. Your dismay will soften just a little bit.

If you’re STILL not convinced that America is the raddest place on Earth, well, you’re a fucking idiot, and the rest of the world agrees. In an international poll, America has been deemed the “coolest nationality” in the world. U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! Despite how much self-hatred we have for ourselves and how much hate is thrown are way via Muslim extremists, the fact is, MOST people think we are awesome! We don’t realize it because most of us haven’t spent a long period of time outside of the country. If we did, our perceptions of this America would certainly change. Like some girlfriends, you don’t realize how great things are until you no longer have it. Unlike my ex, America isn’t a raging cunt that leaves you for a truck driver and turns into a fucking whore! FUCK YOU, HEATHER! In second place is Brazil, which I understand considering a) Thongs! Thongs! Thongs! and b) my aforementioned confused feelings about trannies. Somehow, Mexico placed ninth. Apparently, the rest of the world hasn’t read the papers lately. The least coolest? Belgians, Poles, Turks, Canadians, and Germans. As the saying goes, nice guys and Nazis finish last.

I have been crazy drunk and have done stupid things…a lot! How many of us have wakened up in a weird place or next to someone we shouldn’t be with? Whatever stories you have pales in comparison to this TV weatherman's rock star escapade. After a night of drinking and blowing lines, Brett Cummins of Arkansas’ KARK woke up in a freakin’ bathtub! Not weird enough? He woke up in a bathtub next to a guy wearing a dog collar!! Still not impressed? He woke up in a bathtub next to a DEAD guy wearing a dog collar!!! My craziest party moment happened on Halloween of 2008. I don’t know what happened that night, but I remember waking up in the E.R. with an IV in my arm. To this day, my friends won’t let me live that down. Also, I still continue to drink. Cummins’ experience might have crossed that line between your friends giving you shit for years to come and your friends not saying shit…EVER! Also, if this guy continues to party after this, it’s safe to say that he might have a problem. Either way, Brett Cummins wins the “Keith Moon Award” for 2011!

Ironically, Hollywood is full of some of the most uncreative people in world. Every goddamn movie nowadays is a sequel, remake, or some stupid comic book character. I have seen more original storylines in porn. I get super irritated when Hollywood tries to remake a movie that nailed it the first time. Do you see artists try to recreate the Mona Lisa or Sistine Chapel? NO! Why? Because it won’t be any better. What sparked this rant? KatzSmith Productions is remaking Beetlejuice. This is one of my favorite movies from the ‘80s. Unless the original cast is featured, I want nothing to do with this. What’s next? A remake of The Goonies starring Justin Bieber?!?!* A third Ghostbusters is fine assuming they do in fact get Akroyd and Murray. Hollywood has lost millions, perhaps BILLIONS, of dollars over the past decade, and it’s not because if pirating. It’s because they keep pumping out shitty, unoriginal movies. The saddest part is the fact that millions of people are content and highly entertained by these piles of shit. Then again, this is the same culture that idolizes Kim Kardashian. We have no souls.

Most bloggers (not all, Chives) are condescending hipsters who not only feel the need for everyone to hear everyone opinion of their, but they also believe their opinion supersedes EVERYTHING. The worst of this bunch are food bloggers, aka foodies, aka humans that should have been aborted. To start, foodies are hipsters. Only a hipster would think his taste in food is superior to yours and then feel the need to let you know. And as you all know, I fucking hate hipsters! That’s why I love it when hipsters get owned…like these asshats. ConAgra, the company that is known for frozen dinners and the like, invited some food bloggers to sample their food. However, they did it in the same way Pizza Hut and Domino’s did in their ads…trick them into thinking it’s some gourmet shit. Once the bloggers were told of the sabotage, they were outraged. They felt cheated! They felt violated! THEIR TASTEBUDS WERE RAPED!!!! Good! They said they were outraged because of the chemicals they ingested from the frozen foods. The reality is that they were pissed off because they secretly enjoyed the food they vowed never to eat because “they are better than that.” Well, guess what? YOU’RE NOT! These “trick the samplers” PR stunts are not a testament to how good their food is. Rather, it’s a true testament to how full of shit foodies are. The difference between a $75 meal and $7.50 meal is the presentation and the impression that it’s better. But when faced with a blind taste test, as long as the food isn’t rotten, it’s all the same. I bet you a wine “connoisseur” couldn’t tell you which glass has a $5 bottle of wine in it or a $500 bottle of wine. Hell, I bet they couldn’t tell the difference between my semen and coconut water. HEY! That’s a great idea for my PR stunt! That’ll put me on the YouTube legend map!

If you ask most people to conjure up an image of a stoner, they’ll paint a picture of some overweight, Doritos-eating, Mountain Dew-chugging, lazy ass. Apparently, these people don’t believe in science either. A new study shows that pot smokers have a lower risk of obesity than non-pot smokers. Essentially, fewer potheads are fat compared to the average obesity rate of the squares. For non-pot smokers, this wouldn’t make much sense. But for those of us who do ingest the wacky tobaccy, it makes perfect sense. I just started smoking pot again about six months ago. I did so that I could discover some things about my surroundings and myself. Sounds like hippy bullshit, but it worked better than any therapy ever has. Here’s the thing: when you get high, you are more in tune with who you are. More specifically, you are hyper-aware of your flaws. That’s why smoking pot freaks people out. Becoming hyper-aware is a scary thing. However, if you get over that initial fright, the information you receive can make you a better person. To wrap this back around, people who smoke pot may realize they need to exercise more and eat right. They acquire that info, retain that info, and then apply that info to their sober life. The article does not recommend getting high as a way to lose weight…but I do. Why this stuff is illegal, I’ll never fully understand. I’d much rather be a pothead than an alcoholic, but since alcohol is legal and pot is not, I’m going to finish this bottle of Captain Morgan.  

I don’t know about you, but I’m one of those desperate losers who plays the lottery every Wednesday and Saturday. Why not? I pay $2 a week to possibly win millions of dollars. If you’re a poker player, you know you always go with those pot odds. That, and the fact that I’m broke and hate my job (i.e. my life) makes it easier for me to decide to chase this pipe dream of winning a life of luxury. As an atheist, I realize that a god plays no role in winning. It’s all statistics, and this is more proof there is no god. The son of the president of Marriott hotels won a $107million Powerball jackpot. His dad, by the way, earned $1.9million in 2009…that much in just one year. I’m not saying I deserve to win the lottery, but why the fuck is a guy who’s already doing pretty damn good for himself get to win? Because there is no god. The lottery is based on numbers and statistics, and mathematics doesn’t know whether or not the person who happens to hold the right combination of six numbers is rich or poor, a douchebag or a good citizen, a priest or a rapist (okay, bad example). Since this is this case, I will continue to play, because if there was a god, I wouldn’t stand a snowball’s chance in your fake hell of winning. Also, if I do win, you are all coming to Vegas with me! So please pray to your god I win!!!

* Make sure this doesn’t reach a Hollywood executive. They’ll do it.  

For more shenanigans such as this, listen to Soundtrack of the Week at and follow Ty on Twitter at @SOTWpodcast. If you do, it’ll be like 9/11…you’ll never forget…but in a good way.          

1 comment:

  1. "If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face — forever." - George Orwell, Nineteen Eighty-Four