Wednesday, October 5, 2011

The SOTW Roundup 9

My 10-year high school reunion is this weekend (when you read this, it was last weekend), which is why this SOTW Roundup is late. Long story short, I got drunk…REALLY drunk. I remember the reunion but not what happened after the reunion, which I left early. I was expecting people to forget about any cliques and have everyone just socialize as one big group. Wrong. It was high school all over again, except this time at a bar. I drank because 1) it reminded me how much I sucked in high school and haven’t much changed and 2) drinking makes it easier to deal with everything. I wish I had been drunk during my time at high school. Even though I got drunk at parties, it took me until AFTER high school to realize that STAYING drunk makes the days easier to deal with. Also, I was expecting the prom queen to be fat with six kids and the star quarterback to also be fat and working at Jiffy Lube. Wrong again. The prom queen is still hot and the star quarterback is still better than you and banging hot chicks left and right. Coincidentally, some people I knew from the class of 1998 were at the same bar, so I hung out with them. Yes, I spent my class of 2001 reunion drunk and hanging out with some people from the class of ’98 instead. Again, I don’t remember what happened afterwards, but I’m sure it involved crying in the fetal position in the corner of my unlit living room. My point is, despite what Hollywood portrays, people really don’t change that much after high school. By the time you’re 18, you probably are who you’re going to be for the rest of your life. The nerdy kids probably won’t return in a Ferrari they earned as being CEO of some tech company. Some might, but most won’t. It might be different at my 25-year reunion when a lot of us finally submits to AA and got our shit together. I’ll let you know how that goes in 15 years. But at 10 years, it’s more of the same. Moral of the story: don’t go to your 10-year high school reunion if it hasn’t come up yet…unless you were one of the cool kids, in which case, fuck you. ROUNDUP!  

One of the downfalls of the Internet is how it has turned EVERYBODY into a journalist. In result, we are oversaturated with “news” and blogs that discuss EVERYTHING…even things that NOBODY cared about before the Internet! Wikipedia has made everyone an expert about everything, social media and YouTube has made everybody a celebrity, and podcasting has made everyone a broadcaster (e.g. me). On the other hand, the Internet has recently made everyone a scientist, and we are now one step closer to curing AIDS. For several years, scientists have been trying to reconstruct some enzyme that came from some AIDS monkey but couldn’t figure it out. So they asked gamers on the Internet to figure it out via Foldit. And they did…in 10 freakin’ days! Apparently, there is a new trend in the science community to allow people on the Internet to try to solve some difficult problems, and it’s working. This is what the Internet was originally designed for: to allow the world to come together as a community to communicate, put their heads together, and solve problems. However, it is mostly used to call people who live 1,000s of miles away a “faggot” and browse through an infinite catalogue of porn, as well as watch kittens do cute things. Don’t get me wrong; the Internet we know today is the greatest thing in the world. All I do is scour the web for news, look at porn, do a podcast, socialize on Twitter, and if I have time, look at funny videos of people falling off ladders and shit. With that said, it’s good to see that smart people have figured out the good, academic, morally correct thing to do with the Internet. Furthermore, I would like to thank each and every one of the scientis—ooooo! My Bang Bus collection is done torrenting. Later!

Speaking of science, let’s talk about elves. Yes, elves. Well, if you live in Iceland, elves are very real. According to a recent study, only 13% of Icelanders believe that the existence of elves is impossible, whereas 19% found it unlikely. Do the math. That’s far below 50%. Actually, it’s far below the 99% where it should be. From there, 37% said elves possibly exist, 17% found their existence likely, and 8% are hell-bent on the fact that elves are among us. Five percent did not have an opinion (i.e. they told the pollster to “fuck off”). Not surprisingly, the numbers for their belief in ghosts is even higher. I have never been to Iceland, but I have always viewed it as an awesome place to live where the people are carefree, and overall just kickass people…and that preconceived notion has been confirmed! With the exception of people who do too many shrooms, the only people who believe in fucking elves are those who are WAY too open-minded. So here we have a super liberal country where everyone (including hot chicks) are open-minded to EVERYTHING. I’m in! Who’s coming with me?!?! You can convince these people of anything! I’m broke, not that attractive, and have nothing going for me. Why? Because after slaying the king’s dragon 700 years ago, I was banished to an eternity of mediocrity. The only way to reverse the curse is to have a beautiful princess (i.e. the dumb Icelander chick you’re hitting on) fall in love me. Oh, and sprinkle in something about elves and ghosts then you’re in! Booking my flight now.

Based on what I assume my target demographic to be, you are both broke and jaded. The following article will only piss you off even more. Rep. John Fleming (R-LA) spends $200,000 a year feeding his family …and he feels THAT is why he has the credentials to bitch about Obama’s “class warfare.” You see, Fleming owns companies that rake in $6.3million a year. After all is said and done, he only walks away with about $600k a year. Then he said, “…by the time I feed my family I have maybe $400,000 left over.” Yeah, he said that. Two things: 1) He either has a shit ton of kids, or they’re eating some primo shit. Well, a simple Google search reveals he only has four children. Therefore, I’m led to believe that these kids gorge themselves on the meat of exotic, endangered species and drink the blood of unicorns. I am the worst when it comes to budgeting my money, but even I can give this guy a few pointers. 2) This is exactly why people like you and me accuse politicians of being out of touch with the common person. Even after considering that the statement “he spends $200k a year feeding his family” is somewhat out of context, you still have to remember that he is easily clearing well into the high six-figures each year. With that said, Fleming trying to state his case about ANYTHING that has to do with economics will NEVER resonate with the common person. He’s fucking rich! Even if he has a valid point in terms of the tax increase for the rich, saying shit like this is going to make all of us poor people turn the other way. For a good debate about the subject, click the link and read the comments.

Cops can be real assholes sometimes. When I was 20, I was tailgating at a 311 concert and got busted for an MIP (Minor In Possession). It was my fault for not going with my instincts when I saw two 40-something year-olds walking around, one wearing a Van Halen t-shirt. People are getting murdered left and right like in Gangland in Kansas City, and the KCPD has a liquor patrol for a 311 concert?!?! Anyway, the KCPD isn’t as bad as the NYPD. You know, the department that is widely known for beating, raping, and killing people. Among the most heinous of the NYPD are these two officers at the Bronx housing projects. If you didn’t click the link, I’ll quickly detail the atrocity of biblical proportions they committed. Ready? They tossed around a football with a 7-year-old boy in the housing projects on the Fourth of July! OH, THE HUMANITY!!! It’s a damn good thing they were disciplined, which included the loss of two days of vacation. The charges claim they failed to be alert or some stupid shit. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why police officers are complete dicks…they are DISCOURAGED from being decent, nice human beings. Let’s not forget this took place in the projects, a place where cops are generally hated and drug dealers/gang leaders are looked up to. Engaging with the community is the one thing cops should do in order to erase the negative connotation to their profession. Not in New York. When you consider the NYPD, the shitty subway rides, and the overabundance of hipsters, WHY THE FUCK WOULD ANYONE WANT TO LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY?!?!

Remember that story I told you about getting the MIP for drinking at a 311 concert? You don’t? I JUST FUCKING TOLD YOU! Yeah, that one. Well, I guess I can’t complain all that much. This lady was kicked out of a Willie Nelson concert for wearing a pro-marijuana t-shirt. The concert was taking place at the Nebraska State Fair, where state troopers told her she could not wear clothing of that nature. I would hate to piss off any Nebraska readers, but I’m going to right now. Nebraska is a shitty state. Not only is there NOTHING there (the best city is Omaha, which has a neat zoo…that’s it), but the whole “out-of-date, redneck” culture that is given to the fine people of Nebraska is true. Look, stereotypes come from somewhere. We didn’t just decide through a committee that Jews love money, Asians can’t drive, and people from Nebraska are several decades behind. No. These stereotypes came from a certain amount of truth. How can a pro-marijuana stance be THAT taboo? According to the article, Willie Nelson shirts with pot leaves were being sold on the State Fair grounds. Oh, and did I mention, it was a WILLIE FUCKING NELSON CONCERT?!?! How out of touch is Nebraska? State Fair Executive Director Joseph McDermott “wasn't familiar with Willie Nelson's pro-pot platform.” WHAT?!?! Where has this guy been? And since we’re on the subject of stereotypes, the lady with the t-shirt didn’t want to go back to her car because it was “parked way down in a cornfield.” However, in Nebraska’s defense, they did give us Melissa Midwest. If you don’t know who that is (well, you’re lying, but anyway), Google that name…and NOT AT WORK. Let’s just say I have masturbated to her many a time. I sense that I have gone too far. Moving on.

Remember back in high school or middle school when you fucked your teammates mom? Of course you don’t, because that kind of thing only happens in stupid movies. Or does it? This tall drink of water got her fuck on with two of her son's youth hockey teammates. Other than the fact she hosted parties where she supplied booze, that’s all you really need to know. Well, that and the fact she isn’t exactly a MILF. I’m going to go ahead and just say it: this is a victimless crime. Unfortunately, when I was in school, teachers and mothers weren’t banging teenage boys (correction: FEMALE teachers…male teachers? Different story. There’s usually a victim in that scenario). However, I wish they would have! How awesome would it have been to get it on with some older chick when you’re a teenager?!?! I keep reading about these cases of an older female having sex with a teenage boy, yet, this NEVER happened when I was a teenager. Teens have it good nowadays. And before you start calling this lady a predator, why don’t you ask the two boys instead. They’ll tell a different story. Here’s a test to determine if someone is a victim of a sexual predator: if he or she brags about it now and is likely to talk about it for years to come, no crime was committed. However, if they keep it a close secret, you might want to investigate. This is how I will pursue sex crimes when I run for president. This is Ty, and I approve this message.

You want to know who really wishes they would be preyed upon sexually? Redheads. It’s true. No one wants to have sex with them. Actually, it’s science! The world's largest sperm bank is turning down redhead donors due to lack of demand. I’ll wait until you are done laughing (or crying, if you’re a ginger). Here’s a direct quote from the director of the sperm bank, Cryos: “I do not think you chose a redhead, unless the partner - for example, the sterile male - has red hair, or because the lone woman has a preference for redheads. And that's perhaps not so many, especially in the latter case." Yes, in a perfect world, there would be no redheads, and it looks like we are trying to make this into a reality. There’s a word for this and it called “eugenics.” And there was some guy who loved the idea of eugenics, and I am pretty sure his name was Jesus. No! Wait! It was the opposite of that guy…oh yeah, Hitler. Hitler was in favor of weeding out certain types of people and creating a master race. Somehow, this part of the story is missing from the article, so I’m going to go ahead and assume that Hitler was actually right about that and it’s okay. Now that that’s resolved, there is some good news for the gingers of the world. There is ONE country where ginger sperm sells like hot cakes…Ireland! Not a big shocker. So if you like whiskey, leprechauns, bad hygiene, and potatoes, you better book that flight or be prepared to get beaten like a redheaded stepchild.   

Good news, guys! Getting laid might be getting easier!!! According to a recent study, binge drinking among women is up! More specifically, people born after the World War II era (especially women) are more likely than their ancestors to get fucked up on shots and beer bongs. People suggest this is because the role of women changed after WWII. I say this is because the world is becoming a shittier place to live AND alcohol now tastes like candy. Not only that, but it’s the only socially acceptable drug we can ingest to escape the hell that is reality. It really makes you think how fucking hard it was for our grandfathers to get their dicks wet back in the day. The chicks didn’t drink, they wore lots of clothes, roofies had not yet been invented. Today, teachers and moms are banging teenage boys, and guys 18 and over can easily find a drunken skank in a mini skirt that is basically just a tiny piece of cloth ½ inch below the underwear. And if you STILL can’t get laid, you have quick and easy access to a database of every nudie picture and video ever created!!! You know what? Maybe this world isn’t so bad after all.

I have a degree in communications and not once did anyone tell me that porn is a great way to get your message, but according to People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), it most certainly is. PETA is launching a porn site to promote its pro-animal (i.e. anti-human) messages. Here’s something I didn’t know, PETA does an annual online speech during which a PETA representative undresses. This, of course, is immediately followed by a video about slaughterhouses. Nothing makes me harder than slaughterhouses. I don’t know about you, but when I’m jerking it to porn, I am NEVER soaking in ANY kind of message that may be coming my way. Then again, most porn isn’t attempting to send any kind of message other than hot chicks apparently love anal sex and cum shots on the face (by the way, this is false…attempting to validate that message can be problematic). Having to resort to porn says a lot about PETA’s hippy message…it’s fucking stupid and no one cares. If you have to use porn in order to get people to pay attention to your message, chances are your message isn’t worth mentioning. ANYONE can send a message through porn. Wait. I have a prediction. This is a slippery slope for the 2012 presidential campaign to send their messages via porn sites! Finally, Americans will get the messages that count! Well, I know how I’m running my aforementioned presidential bid.

For more funny rants and raves (and information about Ty’s presidential campaign), listen to Soundtrack of the Week at, iTunes, or Stitcher and follow Ty on Twitter at @SOTWpodcast. If you don’t, you hate America*.
* If you do in fact hate America, then insert the name of a country you like.

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