Americans are still broke, London still sucks, and I have a herpes outbreak. Yep, just a typical week. Well, unless you’re a pedophile, in which case this week was fucking awesome! You’ll read all about that pretty soon. If you’re still a minor, this week sucks for you as well…back to school! For all the kids out there, I have some advice. If you think life sucks now, just wait…it gets much, MUCH worse! Enjoy life now that your responsibilities are little to none. At the same time, take school seriously. If you don’t, you’ll be writing for a blog of someone you have never met (for free) while working a dead-end job making $13/hr and wondering how on earth can someone believe in a god when everything that’s going on in the world sucks the soul right out of you! WHY?!? WHYYYYYYYY?!?!?! Get my drift? Good. On to the roundup!!!!
Cell phones are a big fucking deal, and this Pew survey has the numbers. Essentially, everyone has a cell phone and we use them for everything! According to the survey, 13% of people use their cell phones to avoid unwanted interaction with another human being. According to my personal observations, the actual number is closer to EVERYBODY. I’m curious how many people sext. I find it extremely hard to get hard by having actual phone sex let alone having to READ words on a small screen. Not to mention the incredible skill involved in jerking off AND typing a response (example of my sext reply: “plz stp typinh”) . I’m also curious how many people use their cell phones to look at porn at work to avoid having porn sites logged on their work computer. Not saying I have. Just curious.
Remember when America went into Pakistan and shoved its metaphorical circumcised dick into bin Laden’s asshole (and a literal bullet in his fucking eye)? During that raid, we left behind a badass, custom-made helicopter, which we promptly blew up (we are that badass!). We told Pakistan to NOT give out any information about that helicopter. Well, they did…to China. I think we have put up with enough of Pakistan’s shit. They held on to bin Laden, they yelled at us for going in there and killing him without asking, they generally just suck, and now this. Three strikes, you’re out! Punishment? Hiroshima that country into the Dark Ages!!! China is to big (geographically, militarily, and politically) to screw with, but Pakistan? Let’s send a message to everyone else: “Fuck with America too many times and spend an eternity NOT fucking 72 virgins.” Or just crank Rebecca Black songs throughout the country (they’ll opt for the bombing).*
AMC is pulling the plug on Breaking Bad. This makes me cry. I don’t own a television. Why? Because everything on television is mind-numbingly terrible (and because I can’t afford a good television). Also because I don’t have the time to get invested into an entire television series that may be good (like The Wire). Kind of like why I’m single…most women are mind-numbingly terrible, and I don’t have the time or emotional strength to pay attention to just one. Yet, I got sucked into Breaking Bad. I told myself I would never fall in love with another show again and as soon as I did, BAM! Gone! The good ones always go away too soon, whereas the bad ones (Everyone Loves Raymond, Frasier, that cunt Heather from high school) last way, WAY too long.
Have you ever noticed how the biggest dickhead at your job makes more money than you (/Andy Rooney voice)? Maybe you should start being an asshole too. A new study reveals that nice guys do indeed finish last in the moneymaking department, whereas douchebags make more money. In order to become successful in life, you have to be competitive (i.e. be a dick). Nice guys believe that everyone is on a level playing field and that everyone’s time will eventually come. BULLSHIT! Some people are better than others and many people will never get what they “deserve.” Guys, if you want lots of money and pussy, say “fuck you” instead of “thank you.” It’s science.
This next bit of news is brought to you by True Blood, Twilight, and every other piece of shit vampire hysteria that has been taking place over the last couple years. A teen in Galveston, TX was arrested for burglary, assault, and feeding on a human being. That’s right. Vampires DO live among us! This slice of awesomeness believes he is a 500-year-old vampire and tried to feed on someone. When the cops came, he begged them to restrain him so that he would not try to feed on them as well. Let’s play a game: What Drug Is He On? Meth? LSD? Shrooms? Whatever you guessed, you’re wrong. HE WAS NOT ON DRUGS!!! Either a) he has a serious psychological problem or b) this guy is a fucking vampire! For the sake of a more interesting reality (and justification of all those horrible shows and movies), I’m hoping for Option B.
Are you reading this roundup at home through your cable internet provider? Who’s your provider? Does your connection suck and is your bill absurdly expensive? Why did you choose them and why don’t you change your provider? Because you can’t! Although not really news, this article from Gizmodo explores the bullshit business of cable companies. The short story: the practice is corrupt, is a monopoly, and there is not a goddamn thing you can do about it. I am sick and tired of seeing corporations run our lives (i.e. our wallets) and getting away with it. On the other hand, this is the result of the capitalism state that we have all agreed upon and all other forms of economics and consumerism have proven to be miserable failures (yes, I’m talking to you, you Commie bastard!). The surprising part of this article is the fact that neither the FCC nor the FTC is responsible for overseeing the business of cable companies. Bottom line: lobbyists need to be outlawed!
I lied about my television rant earlier in this roundup. There is one other show I have been following religiously: To Catch a Predator. There is nothing funnier and more entertaining than people getting caught red-handed participating in a crime that society has deemed more immoral than murder and then trying to get out of it. Not only that, but now I know what NOT to do when (allegedly) trolling for underage girls on the internet (e.g. only meet girls who live in apartments). However, since TCAP, I have been afraid to (allegedly) continue meeting 15-year-old girls. Not anymore! A California court has ruled that the TCAP operation is entrapment. This is the Roe v Wade for pedophiles! Teen chat rooms are going to fill up like Justin Bieber was inside! Not a good month for Chris Hansen.
This is a good week for pedophiles! In addition to the previous article, an Indiana judge ruled it's within teen's constitutional rights to post slutty pics on the internet. Not surprisingly, the ACLU was involved in making this happen. Regardless, in one week, one state ruled TCAP as entrapment and another said it’s basically to jerk off to teens in a slutty (not nude, but slutty) poses…especially ones that involve “phallic-shaped rainbow colored lollipops.” This is also a win for all the constitutionalists out there. I’m talking to you, Ron Paul! Yes, Ron Paul is pro-pedophilia. Also, at this rate, pedophilia will be legal way before marijuana. God bless, America?
This week in “Didn’t See That Coming,” the husband of a "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" gold-digger committed suicide. Wait. Let me get this straight. A guy whose wife is too hot for him, takes his money, probably fucks the pool boy, and recently filed for divorce killed himself? Wow. Didn’t see that coming.
Any Ashton Kutcher fans here? No? Good. He’s a marginally talented douche who is tremendously overpaid and overrated. Oh, and his trailer for the set of Two and a Half Men is absurd! Click the link and take a look at that monstrosity. I have a problem when someone owns a trailer that’s a thousand times more impressive than any residence I’ll ever live in. Especially when it’s just for work! For someone who’s hell-bent on saving the world and giving to charity, the cost of the maintenance of Kutcher’s trailer alone can double the GDP of an African country that he pretends to help. Just think about all the meth and used up pussy you can get at the trailer park with this thing!!!
Even though I’m a smoker, I’ll rarely defend the tobacco companies. I love smoking, but hate the fact I do it. Kind of the same way I feel about jerking off to tranny porn, but that’s a different story. However, tobacco firms are suing the FDA over the new regulation, which requires them to put grotesque images on packs of cigarettes. Listen, everyone knows that cigarettes are for you. This isn’t the 1950s where everyone smoked because they actually thought it was good for you. With that said, there’s no need to put images on packs of cigarettes…we know! Second, this won’t prevent people from smoking or get current smokers to quit. Drug addicts have been known to say that smoking is harder than quitting drugs, so an image of a hole in someone’s throat won’t do much. Third, what about alcohol? Alcohol is the most damaging drug of all time! It’s the only drug where you can die from the withdrawals. Why not put images of car wrecks on bottles of booze? Even better yet, a picture of the fat chick you’re going to bang because you’re wasted!
The University of Miami is in deep shit. There are too many layers in this story to get into, but here are some highlights: some dude involved in a $900million Ponzi scheme, supplied the athletics department with a lot of money, hookers, bounties to injure members of opposing teams, and one incident involving an abortion for a stripper, all of which took place for almost a decade (2002-2010). Does Miami know how to party or what?!?! Put this into a Will Smith song! I’m tired of these stories coming out and then everyone acting surprised. So let me get something straight: world-class athletes that have been pampered since everyone realized they were a beast are getting even more pampered just a few years before they go on to make millions of dollars in the NFL or NBA? WHAT!?!?! NO WAY!!! This is sports not politics. In fact politicians are even MORE corrupt and a thousand times more important and influential, yet, no one is calling them out on their bullshit. Priorities. We have none.
This is now officially a weekly segment: “Welcome to Hell: NY Subway.” This week, two bitches get in a fight. I found this halfway through the week and was worried that this week would be peaceful on the NY subways. Alas, NY pulled through and gave us our fifth consecutive NY subway story! Jesus, that place sucks!
On my podcast, we used to play a game called “Profiling.” I would read an article usually involving crime or something weird, and my co-hosts would have to guess the race of the person involved in the story. I know, we’re terrible people…and so is the Transportation Security Administration (TSA). In addition to checking out your dick and/or vagina, the TSA is now singling out black people. Specifically, their hair. I’m going to go out and say it: profiling should exist. When someone breaks into a house and robs them blind, you’re not going to be looking for a well-groomed, white male in his 30s (despite what the ADT commercials might suggest). When someone is involved with insider trading, don’t put out a search for a young, black male in his teens or early 20s. And when looking for a terrorists at the airport, we should probably be looking at the Mid-Easterners and anyone with a shady beard (that means you, you fucking hipster!). Sounds racist (perhaps it is), but let’s take a look at all the people who have been busted for terrorism at the airport. See a trend? It’s not black people with nappy hair (that one’s for you, Imus). I applaud the TSA for profiling, but you’re doing it wrong!
When you think of douchebag clothing, other than the obvious (Ed Hardy and Affliction), what comes to mind? Abercrombie, you say? Okay, when it comes to the epic douchebag, who comes to mind? Jersey Shore’s The Situation? So then, Abercrombie and The Situation should be a match made in heaven. WRONG! The Situation is such a douchebag that Abercrombie is actually paying him to stop wearing their clothing. When the #3 douchiest clothing company deems you too douchey to wear their clothing, you have reached a level of doucheyness of biblical proportions! The Situation is officially the douchiest man alive! If Ed Hardy and Affliction follows Abercrombie, The Situation will be the Jesus of douchebags!!!
Everyone talks shit online. We do it because of the anonymity and because of blurred line between reality and online behavior. Well, that line is slowly starting to become nonexistent. A diner at a Houston restaurant was thrown out due to her negative tweets. Read the article for details, but essentially a diner thought the bartender was a “twerp” and a “#jackoff” and posted it on Twitter. This chick is one of those local Twitter celebrities (e.g. @fakenedyost in Kansas City), so the bartender saw it and she was ejected. If you call the bartender a fag to his face, you get kicked out. And now if you call him a fag online, you get kicked out. Why? Because the online world is now part of the real world. Our interactions online are just as real (and hurtful/flattering/boner-inducing) as one-on-one interactions in person. Oddly, this one incident involving Twitter and a restaurant really makes that much more obvious. I fucking love Twitter. Because of Twitter, 10 people listen to my show rather than just my mom and parole officer. Now, Twitter has established the realities of online interactions.
For more humor that some may “mistake” as being “racist,” listen to Soundtrack of the Week on iTunes and at http://sotw.podbean.com and follow Ty on Twitter at @SOTWpodcast. If you don’t, the pedophiles win…wait…they already did. Just listen!!!
* By the way, if you haven’t read this New Yorker article which gives a detailed play-by-play of exactly what went down during the bin Laden raid, read it. I recommend reading it while drinking a Budweiser, eating apple pie, and watching football. No matter how badass you are, you will NEVER be a fraction of a fraction as badass as the DEVGRU team.