Wednesday, August 31, 2011

The SOTW Roundup 6

Let me start off by apologizing for the late submission this week. I was too busy doing volunteer work on the East Coast for the disastrous hurricane and earthquake that swept the region. Hahaha, just kidding! I was getting drunk and pissing off my girlfriend by making sexually explicit tweets that did not involve her. Pretty standard week for me. In all seriousness, my heart goes out to everyone on the East Coast. You know, to all the rich people whose basement game-room in their coastline vacation homes got a little water damage. This happens all the time. The forecast shows a little red spot in the Doppler radar, and everyone goes ape-shit, then…nothing. In Kansas City, at least a dozen times a year, the weathermen go bananas over a tornado scare. I’ve lived there for 28 years, and have NEVER seen a goddamn tornado. Instead, I can’t watch Wheel of Fortune because they’re tracking a bunch of water falling from the sky (i.e. rain). Speaking of weathermen, is there any other profession where you can be dead wrong about 98% of your work and still keep your job? I bet fortune tellers have a better track record. I have a better chance of going into an alley, sticking a random needle in my arm, and blowing a drug addict and NOT get AIDS. We’ll just leave that experiment as a hypothetical. On to the roundup!

And the award for Gayest Town goes to…*drum roll*…Provincetown, Massachusetts! Yeah, you lost that bet. According to the U.S. Census, Provincetown has 163 same-sex marriages per 1,000 households. Considering not too many states have legalized same-sex marriage, this statistic means absolutely nothing. According to the article, Provincetown has long been a “gay mecca.” Huh. Did not know that. If you did, you’re probably gay. Massachusetts’ second gayest city is the college town of Northampton, which has been known as “Lesbianville.” So if you’re a dude in Northampton and can’t get laid, it might actually NOT be your fault! Then again, if you have mad skills in that town, just imagine the threesome possibilities!!!

We all have been at work and had to stop what we’re doing to take a shit. It happens. In fact, I just did it 15 minutes ago. No joke! There’s nothing wrong with that... unless you're a professional athlete at work! During a game this week against Philly, Angel Pagan of the New York Mets decided he’d rather go #2 than go at bat. While on deck, Pagan literally took a shit in the bathroom. When it was time for him to bat, he was nowhere to be found. After a delay, he met it on the field and grounded out. I’d imagine it would be difficult to swing a bat at a 95mph fastball right after taking a good shit. I usually have to smoke a cigarette and lie down for a minute. The Mets went on to lose 10-0. The Phillies took a shit on the Mets! Okay, there has to be about a million shit jokes here. I’ll leave it at that one, and let you have fun with the rest.

When deciding whether or not to attend any event, I ask myself only ONE thing: is there an open bar? Yes, I’m going. No, I’ll get drunk at home. Apologies to my sister for not going to her wedding. Sorry, but cash bars are unacceptable. Especially when the party is for a rich person! Former New York Times editor Bill Keller had his going away party on Wednesday, and that Jew-bastard had a cash bar!!! Actually, he’s Catholic, but Catholics rape little boys, not save every penny. At any rate, what kind of rich asshole makes his employees pay for their liquor??? It wasn’t even during business hours! I’m a broke son-of-a-bitch, but when I throw parties I have at least some alcohol to give out. Keller should have at least made it BYOB. Must be related to Helen Keller and couldn’t read the invitations he sent out. My point is this: if you’re throwing a formal party (wedding, birthday, divorce, funeral), make it open bar or BYOB, because chances are 95% of the people attending don’t really want to be there. This is one of many reasons why I’m not attending my 10-year high school reunion in a month. All they needed was an open bar for me to sit through hours of pretending not to still loathe those assholes I haven’t seen since 2001.

Since school is back in session, I decided to pull this article to remind you college kids how fucked you are. Essentially, no one is attending for-profit schools anymore, mostly because the tuition outweighs the shit salary you’ll be making when you’re done. Even though this article focuses on for-profit schools, let’s be honest with ourselves…all college degrees are absurdly expensive and all college grads are paid an absurdly low salary. I never understood for-profit schools. When I was younger and just slightly more dumb than I am now, I considered going to Full Sail University (a for-profit entertainment business school). It was insanely expensive, but I thought, “Where else can you get your foot into the door of the entertainment industry.” The answer: everywhere else BUT Full Sail. Based on the tuition and the “credentials,” they should have nothing but Grammy award winners and world famous movie directors. Nope. They don’t. The thing about most professions is that it’s not about what you know or where you went to college (Ivy League schools excluded). It’s WHO you know. I’m a 1000Xs more qualified to be on the radio than a guy I graduated with, but he knew a guy…I didn’t. I know a guy who makes millions from doing city development. He has a degree in chemistry. Rather than go to college, hang out with rich people. Pretty sure Sir Isaac Newton said that.

I’ve talked about this couple before, but it’s worth mentioning again. The short story: a 51-year-old actor from Lost married a 16-year-old aspiring singer. Some call it creepy. I call Doug Hutchison “Man of the Year.” Courtney Stodden may be 16, but she looks and acts like a 25-year-old whore…a super, super hot whore. I mean, just look at the Baywatch picture in the article! It may be the only non-nude picture I can jerk off to since I have been on the Internet!!! That’s the real reason why I pulled this article: for all of you to see that picture. Sharing is caring. Will the marriage last? Probably not. Will Stodden end up having an affair with someone closer to her age and attractive? Most definitely. Either way, he got what he wanted and she got what she wanted. It’s a win/win situation. I also learned it’s okay to have sex with 16-year-olds, apparently. Take that, Chris Hansen!

This week in “Welcome to Hell: NY Subways,” I had to dig deep, but found something nonetheless. This article points out the worst of the worst. We all know the just about all of the NY subways are a haven for crazy crackheads and “creative” NYU students trying to be the next YouTube sensation. Out of all the trains, don’t go on the C or 2 trains. Apparently, they suck the most. I used to admire the mass transit system that cities like New York and Chicago have and yearned for the day that Kansas City would get something similar. But over the past several weeks of doing the roundup, I am now grateful for the wonderful splendor that is cars. Despite the cost and environmental impact, cars are great! You can wherever you want whenever you want while listening to whatever you how ever loud you want…all by yourself! I’ll gladly fork over the cash and kill a few bald eagles for that if it means not having to deal with dickholes planking right in front of me.

You know how Facebook allows you to check into places like Four Square? Well, here's a list of the top 10 places being checked into. Your mom’s bedroom is #3. Haha, mom jokes never get old. Anyway, Starbucks is #1. This makes total sense seeing as how only lame hipsters who are “writing a screenplay” check into anywhere on Facebook. Checking into places on Facebook or on Four Square is someone’s way of saying, “I am so unimportant that I can let the entire world know where I’m at at all times and NOTHING will happen to me because NO ONE gives a shit!” Every place on the top 10 list are places for the most standard suburbanite: Applebee’s, Chili’s, Denny’s, The Olive Garden. All we’re missing is Home Depot to complete the most mundane life ever. Then again, people living cool lives aren’t checking into anywhere on the Internet…because they’re cool!

Speaking of Facebook, the website has added a new feature concerning photos. You can now choose to approve of tagged photos before they appear on your page. Before, once you were tagged in a photo, the picture magically appeared on your page. In real world terms, that picture of you getting a lap dance from that tranny that your obviously drunk ass thought was a chick shows up for your mom and dad to see. You can prevent that from happening. Believe it or not, I am against this new feature. With everyone seeing videos of strangers being assholes on YouTube and the like, the Internet is acting like the world social police. You can read about that theory here. In short, the idea that the world can see us being dicks or being stupid could possibly prevent us from being dicks or being stupid. If pictures of you with a cock drawn on your passed out face can possibly be seen by everyone you know, maybe you’ll modify your behavior next time. Or if every picture of you tagged involves a syringe, your friends and family will finally know what’s up. Essentially, own yourself! If you don’t like certain pictures to surface, then don’t put yourself in that situation. If you do, suffer the embarrassment…because it’s your fault!

Want to date a New York hipster? No? Neither does anyone else. Regardless, OkCupid has come up with the words most used on New Yorkers dating profiles. If you’re looking for a woman, bring over a 30 Rock DVD, while jamming to some Jay Z with ice cream and wine in the other hand. If you are looking for a guy, also bring a 30 Rock DVD while rocking out to Bob Dylan…oh, and make sure you own an iPhone. In other words, have shitty taste in television and music and the rest is pretty standard. Words I am surprised didn’t make the list: screenplay, aspiring, coffee shop, indie music, creative YouTube videos on subway.

Hustler claims to have a sex-tape of Rihanna and J-Cole. First of all, I’m white so I don’t know who the fuck J-Cole is. Already, I don’t give a shit about this tape. Second, if you have ever seen a rap video with anyone (including Rihanna) it’s basically porn in and of itself. After watching Rihanna’s camel toe on any given video of hers and not very interested in ANY dude in a porn, let alone Ray J’s brother (I’m assuming), I REALLY don’t care. Third, why do we still call them “sex-tapes?” Is anyone still using VHS tapes to film ANYTHING? We should call them “sex-vids” or more accurately “sex-I-‘accidently’-leaked-this-video-because-my-career-is-dying vid.” Fourth, I’m so desensitized from the millions of hours of internet porn that this video better be freaky as a motherfucker! I will not stand for bullshit night vision (e.g. Paris Hilton vid)! I don’t have an alien fetish…not yet anyway.

This week in “Wow, What a Shocker” an anti-gay marriage Republican politician got busted...doing gay shit! Rep. Phillip Hinkle of Indiana paid a young man, via Craigslist, for a “good time.” Hinkle’s retort? They just talked about “baseball and The View?” I believe him. Conversations about baseball and The View go together like peanut butter and jelly. Also the add was placed under the casual encounters between two men section of Craiglist. You know, where straight dudes find each other to talk about manly, non-gay stuff. And just like any other straight dude encounter, the 18-year-old guy was forced to stay in the hotel room after Hinkle exposed himself and was then bribed with $100, an iPad, and a Blackberry to keep quiet…just a typical guys’ night out! These stories come out all the time! I beginning to think there are more gay dudes in Washington than there is at a Depeche Mode concert. Want to know how to tell if someone is gay? When the person is vehemently against homosexuals. That seems to be the pattern. The more outspoken they are about gays being Satan, the more fucked up of a weird gay scandal they get caught in. For example, I’ll bet you anything that Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church has sucked more dicks than Andy Dick and George Michael combined!

I like porn and sex toys as much as the next guy. In fact, I had to buy a 1TB external drive to maintain my collection. The question is how far will you go for some primo shit? This dude stole a semi, crashed it into a porn shop, and took off with an $800 sex toy. That’s all you need to from this article, because this local news source in Ohio left out an important detail: what exactly is an $800 sex toy?!?! According to WOIO 19 Action News: “It is described as a life-like masturbator complete with female genitalia with legs and buttocks.” Not good enough WOIO. I NEED to know what this is. I can’t justify spending $60 on the infamous Flesh Light, let alone $800 on whatever this is. For $800 you can get quite a bit from the meth head down the street from this shop. Who pays $800 for a sex toy? Nobody! That’s why this fool crashed a semi into the shop and stole it. However, the best part about this piece of journalism is the language used in the written article: “sex crazed loser,” “once the freak saw the cops,” “sticky-fingered perv.” I have a journalism degree and I didn’t learn any of that. It’s not just the written article. You have to click on the link and watch the video and fast-forward to 2:05…I’ll wait. Drop a dime on this fool?!?! Report this freak?!?! Now that’s what I call Pulitzer Prize journalism.

Google has compiled a list of the top 1,000 sites on the Internet. Not surprisingly, Facebook and YouTube top the charts. A wealth of information and all we care about is telling our friends and family that our lunch was good and watching people act like fools (drop a dime on THOSE fools!). There are a few shockers. Myspace is #59. I didn’t even know there were 59 people in the world that logs onto that site! Also, I noticed that there were no porn sites listed. I’m assuming that Google intentionally left them out, because there is no fucking way that gets more hits than RedTube or YouPorn. Just from my views alone those sites beat!

I came up with another reoccurring segment: “Hipsters Are Fucking Dumb.” New York reports that more and more new mothers are eating their own placenta. I’ll be honest, I couldn’t force myself to read the entire article. From what I gathered, people believe there is some kind of biological advantage to eating placenta. I have nothing to say other than hipsters are fucking dumb.

For more insightful* and intriguing** news perspectives and comedy*** listen to Soundtrack of the Week at and follow Ty on Twitter at @SOTWpodcast. If you don’t, I’ll drop a dime on you, fool!
* misinformed
** ill-conceived
*** assuming you like rape and pedophile jokes


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