Friday, September 2, 2011

The SOTW Roundup 7

It’s Labor Day weekend! Which is fitting seeing as how NO ONE HAS A JOB! Everyone is broke, everyone struggling for work…everything sucks! So enjoy your vacation staying at home since you can’t afford to go on a real vacation. My broke-ass will be going on a float trip since I have a job where I make money, but not enough to venture further than a 4-hour drive from home. Looking for a job in radio is pretty difficult when your only broadcasting experience includes an internship where you called contest winners and a podcast where you can die from drinking to every time we say a word you can’t say on radio. You might catch a slight buzz from drinking every time we say a word you CAN say on airwaves. Times are tough when the cost of living is increasing exponentially faster than wages and salaries are. That’s why I go on float trips. Not only can I afford it, but it’s also a time to get one with nature…and drink your ass off! Mass quantities of alcohol, titties, and bad decisions…on a river! That’s what I do on my vacation. With that said, celebrate the holiday with a beer bong and beads…on to the roundup!

California is considering a ban on Styrofoam. Goddamn right-wing conservative red state! Seriously though, I’m tired of Californians thinking they are more progressive and evolved than the rest of us, meanwhile they can’t balance a budget, it costs $1,000/month for a shitty studio apartment, and they can’t even get gay marriage legalized. In fact, the ONLY thing California has done well is decriminalizing marijuana. Since the entire entertainment industry is stationed in California, I figured everyone being high would lead to better movies. Instead, everyone got lazy and now there’s nothing but remakes, sequels, and terrible comic book movies. Btw, there’s a reason Styrofoam is still relevant…cost effective. Go ahead and ban Styrofoam and watch the price of your tofu veggie burger and wheatgrass smoothie double. Fucking California. Starting to think Tupac just shot himself. Too soon?

Beyonce is preggers!!! And I don’t give a shit! What I do care about is Beyonce’s little sister that no one cares about. Especially when she's throwing out the race card for being denied access to a Miami club. I love the race card. Mostly because it is never used when it should be (you can get a 10% discount at Church’s Chicken with the race card). Solange Knowles tried to walk into a Miami nightclub with a…wait for it…5-foot inflatable banana! I’ll give you a second to reread that in case you thought you read that wrong. Whether you’re black, white, Hispanic, or even a fucking gorilla, you usually can’t walk into most places with a 5-foot inflatable banana. That’s why she was denied access. Apparently oblivious to the fact that the banana could not have possible been the issue, Knowles threw the race card as the reason. Hey minorities, before throwing the race card, please assess the situation and rule out all other possibilities! This is never done (I’m looking at you Al Sharpton). And Solange, please accept the fact that YOU are not famous, and no one knows who you are. Also, I’m pretty damn sure Solange hasn’t been a victim of REAL racism. You grew up under the umbrella of your older sister! SHUT THE FUCK UP!

This will be for the first week without a NY subway article (perhaps the hurricane washed away some of the sin). However, there’s another phenomenon hipsters created that doesn’t involve being a douche on subways but that I equally hate: planking. If you think planking is cool and funny you need to be kicked in the dick or Falcon punched (look it up, ladies). At the very least, fired from your job…like this piece of shit. This supervisor of a Gamestop posted pics of himself on Twitter planking on the job. His boss found them and fired his dumb ass. Good! If I owned a business, I would never hire anyone who has the mindset to believe planking is cool (i.e. no dumbasses). I certainly wouldn’t hire anyone who would plank at work (i.e. mentally retarded). And in no way would I hire anyone who would post those pics on Twitter for me to see (i.e. What’s Eating Gilbert Grape meets chimp with Down’s Syndrome). Then again, what do you expect from a guy working at Gamestop?

Interesting fact: did you know smoking is bad for you? WHAT?!?! You did??? Oh yeah, EVERYONE KNOWS, INCLUDING SMOKERS! As a smoker, the most annoying thing in the world (next to my girlfriend) are people who feel the need to remind me of this as I’m smoking. I KNOW! THIS ISN’T 1952! It’s bad enough I can’t smoke in a bar. I’m forced to smoke outside in subzero temperatures, making my smoker’s cough worse. The University of Kentucky has jumped the shark in my annoyance. Not only can you not smoke ANYWHERE on campus (yes, that includes outside), but now they have smoking patrol who ask smokers to put out cigarettes and hands them info on quitting smoking. These people are worse than born-again Christians! I’d much rather hang out with Kirk Cameron than these vultures! Hey, non-smokers, do us a smokers a favor and MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS! You are not going to die of second-hand smoke from outdoors. I’ll actually laugh if one of these ass-clowns gets lung cancer. Is that bad to say? Fuck it!

Kim Kardashian’s music video has leaked. You can watch it here. This once again raises the question, “Why is she famous again?” She has proven over and over again that she lacks any talent…except for being hot with a beautiful ass and fucking on film…and that is EXACTLY what the director of this video was thinking. The first 30 seconds of the video is of her ass! Let’s not forget this song is on par with Rebecca Black’s “Friday.” When it comes to hot pop stars, all I’m thinking I want to see a sex tape with her. Usually, the closest I’ll get is a whorish video like this one. Not with Kardashian. She’s famous BECAUSE of a sex tape. With that said, there is nothing she can possibly do to get my interest…unless she had talent…which she doesn’t. At any rate, she sell millions of albums, get a VMA next year, and make a sophomore album. I hate this culture.

Speaking of the VMAs, Lady Gaga opened the VMAs as some weird male alter ego. I think she was going for Al Pacino, but all I saw was Adam Goldberg (Google it), Ralph Macchio, and Lou Diamond Phillips…except I would fuck all three of them over Lady Gaga. And speaking of no talent, Lady Gaga has once again proven that she is all show, no go. Her music is terrible, her lyrics are trite and meaningless, and Madonna did this 20 years ago. To get attention, she acts like a raging lunatic and the media eats it up like the fucktards they are. When will Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber, and Lil Wayne board the same plane that goes down? God owes us for Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, The Big Bopper, and Stevie Ray Vaughn. In related news, this years VMAs had a record-breaking audience. I know why? The same reason I watched it…Twitter! My favorite part of pop culture helped my least favorite part of pop culture. There is no God.

Politicians have done plenty of gay shit. When I say “gay,” I mean literally “gay.” However, Puerto Rican sentaor Roberto Arango has jumped the shark. He may not have fingered a little boy or solicited sex in an airport, but he has some pics on the Internet that makes Elton John scream, “FAGGOT!” Just click on the link and see for yourself (slightly NSFW). Cock pics are one thing, but naked, on all fours, with your ass spread…HAHAHA, I literally laughed out loud typing the description. When are public figures going to learn that they cannot put shit on the Internet. I can put up nudes on the Internet because no one is going to a) look for them and b) know who I am if they run across them (and c) wash their eyes with cold water to cool off their burning retinas). Also, sex tapes don’t work for dudes. Chicks can’t achieve fame through sexy photos and videos, because guys will jerk off to it. Dudes can’t. It’s not like chicks are fingering themselves to this image…not even a gay dude can dig this.

After being obsessed with the show Breaking Bad and currently watching The Wire, the thought of getting in the drug trade has seriously crossed my mind. Seriously. That’s where I’m at in life. Thing is, I’m a bitch and I’m no chemist, unlike this grad student from Dartmouth. A chemistry student got busted for a meth lab in his student housing room. There is no fucking way this kid did NOT watch Breaking Bad and got this idea. It’s practically the same thing! The guy even looks like the main character’s temporary assistant in the show! If you’re a grad student at Darthmouth, you’re not an idiot. With that said, an intelligent guy decided the best way to make money with an Ivy League education is to get into the drug trade. Makes sense, considering everyone who makes good money nowadays is a lying, corrupt criminal anyhow. If his meth was blue, he loses a shitload of points for lack of originality.

Watch this Twitter commercial that deals with the recent East Coast earthquake. Twitter is the greatest thing on the Internet. Personally, I have made friends locally and nationally, boosted my podcast ratings, found an outlet for raunchy comedy, and have kept in touch with a porn star who is a reoccurring guest on my show. Globally, the entire fucking planet has commuted with each other, sharing extremely important information that otherwise may have never reached us. If Twitter ever goes away, I will never stop crying in the fetal position, unshaven, with a bottle of Jack Daniels in my hand while listening to Leonard Cohen albums.

Obama. Hope and change. Neither of which has ever manifested. More proof that all politicians are exactly the same (i.e. worthless). In addition to not staying true his “transparency” promise, he has now added censorship to the mix. The White House has laid out a set of rules for politicians to use as a guideline when commemorating the 10th anniversary of 9/11. In otherwise, they should say this and not say that. I don’t vote since no one speaks for me, but when Obama was elected, I thought, “This could be it. This country might be headed in the right direction.” WRONG! The ONLY thing he has done was issue the kill order for Bin Laden. Other than that, he’s still the same ol’ douchenozzle I’m used to. You know who else ordered people what they can and cannot say? Hitler! Yeah yeah yeah, I know. The Hitler card is almost as played out as the race card. Doesn’t matter. We’re all going to die on December 21, 2012.

Last week, I talked about a man who stole an $800 sex toy. Unfortunately, we can’t all afford (or steal) an expensive sex toy. Sometime we have to be a little creative with our sexual fetishes. Like this guy. A 32-year-old male was arrested for having getting it on with a pink inflatable swimming pool raft. The article didn’t mention what the raft was in the shape of. That can be the difference from weird to fucking weird. Maybe the fact that the raft wasn’t his and he fled WITH the raft after spotted by the police makes this fucking weird. Not weird enough? How about this is his SIXTH time getting busted for doing weird sex acts in public? Getting caught once…it happens. Twice is bad luck. Three times…rethink your strategy. Four times…consider therapy. Five times…reevaluate your entire life. SIX TIMES??? Fuck it. You’re just plain fucking weird.

By now, we are all quite aware that law enforcement officers are stupid as hell. One article I omitted dealt with a lady who was found hanging in a mansion, naked, with her ankles and wrists tied together. Police ruled it a suicide. Pretty impressive Houdini act was probably their other guess. Anyway, police are having trouble understanding and getting into the mind of the criminal. That’s why law enforcement officals are consulting the Urban Dictionary for the language barrier. All criminals know that “murk” means “murder.” Officers of the law didn’t and went to the Urban Dictionary. I bet that one officer is now searching for me when I said his wife likes it when I skeet skeet. Why can’t law enforcement catch criminals? Because they’re a bunch of white guys who have never committed a crime! I once considered joining the FBI, but let it go after finding out you cannot have done ANY drug within the past 10 years. How the fuck does the DEA investigate something they know nothing about? Formal education means dick in the drug trade industry. The fact I have piercings, tattoos, and do drugs every now and then should put me on TOP of the recruiting list for the feds. I know what the fuck to look for. No drug lord would suspect my ugly ass of being a fed. But no. A stellar college education with a squeaky clean (i.e. naïve) record is required. On the other hand, this is actually GOOD for us who enjoy a little marijuana…and shrooms…and coke…and ecstasy…and acid.           

Speaking of shitty police work, a human foot washed ashore near Vancouver this week…for the eleventh time in four years…foul play is NOT suspected! Fucking serious. Read the article for yourself if you don’t believe me. Cops are saying these incidents are not related and not suspicious. They believe they are accidents or suicides and that feet naturally separate from the body in water. I’m not making this up. Other theories: 1) and man with eleven feet fell from a boat and the parts are coming in one-by-one over four years 2) shark attacks; under the assumption that sharks don’t eat feet since they smell 3) a new form of marine life that look like human feet in sneakers. But definitely NOT a serial killer with a signature, because that would not make any sense whatsoever.

For more comedy and news with the excessive use of the word “fuck,” listen to Soundtrack of the Week at and follow Ty on Twitter at @SOTWpodcast. What else are you going to do while on unemployment???  

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