This was one of those weeks where I didn’t need to do much research for the news section of the podcast Soundtrack of the Week. Plenty of shit went down. The Occupy Wall Street protest (i.e. Hippy Fest ’11) is still going strong, Amanda Knox was acquitted of the murder she was charged with a few years back, and Steve Jobs died. You already know my thoughts about the Occupy Wall Street protest from the last roundup, and I couldn’t care less about Amanda Knox. The death of Steve Jobs is what affected me. First of all, I had no idea his health was that close to death. We all knew he had stepped down as CEO of Apple due to his deteriorating health from pancreatic cancer, but we didn’t know his health was THAT bad. But most of all, Jobs did more for technology in the past decade or two than almost anyone else. I’m typing this on my MacBook, which is charging my iPod from the same chord that charges my iPad (I don’t own an iPhone because of Sprint…fuckers). Love or hate Apple products, you cannot deny the major impact they have had on the general public in terms of cutting edge technology. The sweet irony is the fact that many of the Occupy Wall Street protesters are using Apple products while out on the street. What makes it ironic is the fact that Apple’s success has a LOT to do with branding and stocks…the very same thing these hipsters are protesting against. At any rate, Steve Jobs will be missed and he will always be remembered when we turn on our Apple products to communicate with and dominate the world. RIP Steve Jobs. You are now having FaceTime with God (assuming there is one). Are you crying yet? ROUNDUP TIME!!!
As mentioned above, Amanda Knox was acquitted of murder. If you forgot, her and her boyfriend were convicted in 2007 for killing Knox’s roommate. This all took place in Italy, Knox is an American, blah blah blah. I don’t know much about the story. Not because it wasn’t covered enough by the media, but simply because I didn’t give a shit in 2007, and I certainly don’t give a shit today. However, with Casey Anthony also being acquitted of murder not too long ago, this is a great time for young, white murderers! Remember: WHITE murderers. The verdict is still out for Dr. Conrad Murray (Michael Jackson’s doctor) as the trial is still pending, but if history repeats itself, he’s fuc—wait a tic…O.J. 1995. Well, if you’re black, you better have star power. Whitey, however, just needs a cute chick behind the knife. This is also a good time to get rid of some assholes that we don’t need around. I call for all cute, white females to murder the assholes. By the way, I mean REAL assholes. NOT your ex who cheated on you. I’m talking about rapists, molesters, Dick Cheney, Gallagher…you know, the big ones.*
Remember when you were 17 and having sex in the back of a car since you couldn’t do it anywhere else? Okay, now transpose that number (71, for you morons). Alright! NOW it’s starting to get hot in herre! A 71-year-old woman and a 54-year-old man got caught doing the dirrrty in the back of a Buick Regal. Click the link to check out their mug shots. You’re hard/wet, aren’t you? I mean, who WOULDN’T hit that?!?! Especially if you’re into insanely creepy, Crypt Keeper-like women who look like they might actually be witches who escaped the Salem witch trials. I hear people saying 40s are the new 20s, but this couple has upped the ante! When the cop asked what they are doing, the man replied, “I’m fucking this chick!” I know older people get wiser and classier, but turn it down a notch! Needless to say, both were drunk. The best part of this story is the fact it all took place in a Buick Regal. It’s almost like someone is writing a script of two old people fucking in a car. At any rate, I’m happy to see this story. Why? Because you can still party and get your fuck on like a rock star at the ripe old age of 71. Maybe old age isn’t all that bad.
California might be a cesspool of crazy fucks, but they got at least ONE thing right: legalization of (medical) marijuana! People are getting high worry-free and enjoying life…and the feds will have none of this nonsense! The feds are about to move in and shut down California pot dispensaries. That’s really all there is to say. This comes shortly after the Obama administration beefed up their stance on medical marijuana. I’m pro-marijuana. I don’t smoke much since I can’t afford (professionally) to get busted. In lieu of marijuana I drink booze, and I enjoy it. With that said, I would much rather pot be legal and alcohol be banned. But that’s a different story altogether. What’s the goddamn point of having states have their own laws if the federal government is just going to shit all over them? The ability for states to adopt their own rules is purely symbolic. They want everyone to be under the impression that we’re completely free from tyrannical rule of a larger entity…clearly, we are not. Also, WHAT THE FUCK, OBAMA?!?! He promised change from a liberal standpoint. BULL-FUCKING-SHIT! The ONLY thing he has done was progress gay rights. I guess he did have Bin Laden killed, but even that is suspect since the pictures will conveniently NOT be released. We are broke as shit, people are clearly jaded (e.g. Occupy Wall Street), and the country is slipping further and further each day. Obama’s approach to the economy is to spend MORE MONEY ON SHUTTING DOWN STATE-LEGAL POT DISPENSARIES?!?!?! Obama may be the greatest presidential disappointment in American history. What a bitch. Congrats, Bush haters! You elected George W. Bush Lite.
Since we’re on the topic of a failing economy, last week I mentioned how Bank of America had the gigantic balls to raise their fees and then blame the government for the decision. Citibank was quick to bash them for this move. People were pissed, but realized that raising fees would result in Bank of America losing a shit ton of customers. Basic economics right there. Good news (for the banks, not you): Citi has decided to raise their rates as well. Yes, the same Citi that mocked BoA for their move of doing exactly the same thing. The changes affect the mid-level checking option: monthly maintenance raised from $7.50 to $15 and minimum balance raised from $1,500 to $6,000. Yeah, this isn’t exactly a minor change. The difference between $1,500 and $6,000 in the bank is astronomical! While Obama is taking care of pot dispensaries, corporate banks are dry anal raping their customers while walking away with billions of dollars in bonuses. As much as I have criticized the Occupy Wall Street Protest, I still remain in support of the reason behind it. The movement has gained a lot of steam over the past three weeks. In fact, we may be witnessing a revolution right before our eyes. It really makes you wonder if this is all leading up to the Mayan calendar prediction of December 21, 2012. You know, the bullshit prediction that will yield ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
Last week, I talked about how cocaine use is down and that it is probably due to the struggling economy. Turns out, cocaine isn’t the only thing people are NOT doing because of the economy. A recent study reveals that self-reported drunk driving is down. Incidents have been going for the past five years, with last year yielding the lowest numbers in over two decades. One theory is that people are possibly drinking more than ever, BUT they are finding cheaper ways to do it (i.e. staying home rather than going to bars and nightclubs). You would think that everyone being broke would turn us into a bunch of animals, but apparently we as a nation are becoming more responsible with our narcotic use. This is why I moved to Westport in Kansas City. Westport is the bar district of KC. This is where everyone goes to get super drunk and party. I was tired of driving long distances to get there, then have to be sober or drink and drive. Since it’s right outside of downtown KC (i.e. ghetto), rent is super cheap. Now I live there! If I want to get drunk, I literally have to walk down the street and choose from a dozen bars to get my drink on. I REAL alcoholic knows how to drink on the cheap, and MOVING TO THE FUCKING BAR DISTRICT is a sign of a real and devoted alcoholic.
This week in “Really??? WTF?!?!,” it was announced that Madonna will perform the halftime show for Super Bowl XLVI. Because when I think football, I think Madonna? We’re taking the manliest sport and combining it with one of the gayest artists out there. Seriously, the gays LOVE Madonna, and I’m not talking about any ol’ gay guy. I’m talking super flaming, drag queen, tight shorts wearing super homo gay guy. You know, the ones who couldn’t give less a fuck about football. I’m not advertisement expert here, but aren’t demographics kind of key in determining shit like this? What football loving person heard this news and shouted, “YES!!!!”? At least we got the original Madonna and not Madonna Jr. (aka Lady Gaga). Also, this is one halftime performance where we can all do without a wardrobe malfunction. For the love of god, give football fans football fan music! Next year, let’s try some Motorhead or Metallica. Hell, even though I hate it, I can go for country music considering that fits the demographic. Then again, now that I think about it, Madonna is perfect for this year’s Super Bowl halftime show. With all the new rules set in place, football has become much more pussified. It all makes sense now. Well played, Roger Goodell. Well played.
Yet again, I came across another article involving an older lady banging a teenage boy. This week, it involves a 37-year-old nurse, a 13-year-old boy, and a burrito. Turns out, this chick has been arrested for statutory rape with this teen before. This time around, she got caught handing breakfast burrito to the teen’s friend to give to him. Inside the burrito was a not that read, “Hey babe, I love you forever.” Click the link to see a picture of her. She’s not exactly a model, but c’mon…you’d fuck her. Kids these days have got it made. Not only do they have the Internet and iPods and whatever else, but they also have a handful of MILFs to choose from. Back when I was 13, we had to jerk off to the SI Swimsuit Edition, and that was it! No sex with MILFs. No Internet porn. Nothing. The article states: “She admitted to police that she sent text messages to the boy that could be misconstrued as sexual in nature.” That’s a fair defense. I mean, it’s fairly easy to perceive a picture of her naked, bent over, with a dildo in her ass as “sexual in nature.” Depends who you ask. The article also states: “She faces charges of three counts of rape in the first degree, victim younger than 14; three counts of forcible oral sodomy, victim younger than 16…” Maybe we should as the 13-year-old whether or not he feels like the victim of a rape. I’m guessing he’ll be just fine. The only trauma he’ll suffer is having an inflated ego. Let’s not forget to ask him if the “oral sodomy” was “forced.” I’m willing to bet no one twisted his arm for that one either. I’m not pro-pedophilia. I’m just sayin’…
I would rather gouge out my eyeballs then go to church. So would this guy.
For more goddamn hilarious quips that are (somewhat) news related, listen to Soundtrack of the Week at www.soundtrackoftheweek.com, on iTunes, or on your smartphone via Stitcher Radio. Don’t forget to follow Ty on Twitter at @SOTWpodcast. You owe it to Steve Jobs to use his technology the way it was intended…to listen to dirty, rape humor.
*Disclaimer: I’m not serious about the call for murder. DO NOT MURDER PEOPLE. Fifteen years ago, I wouldn’t need to make this disclaimer, but if coffee cups need to warn you of “hot contents,” then obviously this is needed as well.