Wednesday, November 2, 2011

The SOTW Roundup 11

Did you have a good week? Well, I didn’t. I had to do the hardest thing I have done in my life so far…I broke up with my girlfriend. Actually, it was the second hardest thing in my life…college chemistry raped me all three times I took that class (fuck stoichiometry!). Being the loser I am, this was the first time I did the breaking up. My girlfriends in the past were smart enough to dump me. This was my third serious relationship I have been in. Like I said, the first two ended before I wanted it to, and it hurt like a motherfucker. You would think this time around it would be easier for me since I am the one breaking it off. Turns out, that’s not the case. It was much harder being on the throwing end than it was being on the receiving in. Despite my crude humor, my inability to display emotion in real life, and my love for substances, I quickly found out that I am just as human as everyone else…and it sucks. Getting your heart broken is one thing, but knowing you are destroying someone else’s is quite another. As hard as this stuff is, it is in fact life. Your 20s are among the most fun years in your life as well as the most difficult years of your life. We’re young enough to party and do stupid shit, but at the age where we are still struggling to figure shit out. I have plenty of friends and family in real life to help me deal with my current situation, but I found out that I have another set of friends and family…my Twitter family. After mentioning the breakup, many Twitter followers replied and DMed me to help soften the blow. A few even offered to take me out for a few drinks. I always knew that the Internet has made us more connected as a human race in general, but this was the first time I got to experience it firsthand. There is a lot of hate and filth on the Internet, but there is even more love and camaraderie. Despite all the negative effects of technology, I now truly believe that technology has done much more good for mankind…and the SOTW Roundup does not fall into the latter category. On to the filth known as the roundup!

MTV sucks cock! I know that’s an obvious statement, but it’s worth repeating a thousand times. I remember how rad it was back in the ‘90s. You know, when they actually honored the “M” in MTV. Apparently, someone over at Viacom feels the same way. As recognized in this Gawker article, MTV is reverting their program back to the ‘90s. Here is a list of shows being resurrected from better days: 120 Minutes, Beavis and Butthead, and Liquid Television. In addition to those shows, MTV is launching a section on their website that is loaded with old content. So why the change? Not only are they doing well with their bullshit reality shows, but also the last VMAs had a record-breaking audience. Maybe it’s because their target audience has become too niche (programming for people with Down’s Syndrome or mild to severe retardation and teens…same thing). MTV needs to broaden its viewership, and the only way to do that is to bring back the old people, and the only way to do that is to give us back the good shit. Honestly, it’s a good move. They keep the young/stupid people with Jersey Shore, and now they add the older/less stupid people with Beavis and Butthead and the like. They’re tailoring to BOTH audiences. I’ll be honest; I’ll start watching MTV again with these shows back on. I need to watch something until the next season of Breaking Bad.

For every one step forward television makes, they always seem to take two steps back. For example: television comedies made a switch to smart shows without a laugh track, THEN came Two and a Half Men. MTV brings back ‘90s programming, THEN Fred Durst signs a deal with CBS to star in his own sitcom. I’ll wait for that to soak in…yes, THAT Fred Durst…done breaking stuff (ha! Limp Bizkit song reference. Fuck yeah, I’m good!)? The show is supposed to be about a rock legend that is trying to balance his rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle with raising a family. I hope Durst is a good actor, because he has to play the roll of a rock legend. This raises a good question: who the fuck is Fred Durst’s agent?!?! Not even Ari Gold could pull this off! The sad part is we will all tune in for the first episode of this and boost the premiere ratings. You can also expect a very critical article from The Unassociated Press. This is the same network responsible for 2 Broke Girls and 500 variations of CSI, so creative decision-making isn’t exactly CBS’ thing. If this goes on for more than one season, I’m going to start ANOTHER protest on the streets of New York City. It ain’t Wall Street that’s fucking up America.

Have I mentioned in the past few roundups that the Occupy Wall Street protesters are a bunch of whiny hippies that are screwing up a message that is worth addressing? Okay, just making sure. Looks like Zuccotti Park is literally one large, steaming pile of shit. The huge collection of hippies has led to “unsanitary and filthy conditions.” Click on the link to view pictures of the anarchy. Yes, that is a picture of a man taking a shit on a cop car. Classy. If you scroll further down, you’ll notice a protester holding a sign…with a “9-11 Truth” hat on. Nothing screams, “Take me seriously. I’m intelligent.” like proclaiming that you believe in crazy ass conspiracy theories that have little to no basis in truth and facts. Keep scrolling. You might see a protester drinking a Neuro Sonic energy drink. Those cost about $3 a bottle. If this guy is upset about his financial situation, he should probably consider budgeting his money a little bit better. Not to mention Wall Street made that drink available for him to consume. Check it out! I guy dressed like a zombie holding a sign! See the connection?! Well…ummm…zombies eat brains…and…bankers…have brains? Fuck it. I give up. However, let’s assume the zombie gear some artistic expression that you and I are too dumb to figure it. Let’s take a look at his sign: “Money hungry fascists bankers.” Okay, I get the zombie connection now. Clever. This zombie eats money, not brains. Awesome. I think this zombie should revert back to eating brains considering he is too fucking dumb to understand what the word “fascist” means. If you know anything about fascism, then you know this guy is a fucktard. Keep up the good work, protesters!  

Who here likes child porn? Dude! WTF?! Don’t raise your hand, dumbass! Anyway…then you probably know all about Reddit’s Jailbait section. For those of you who don’t know (or are pretending not to know), the Jailbait section is a forum that allows users to upload pictures of scantily clad minors. NOT nude pics, but pics that are just barely legal to show…so I read in this article. A guy going by the name TheContortionist posted picture of his 14-year-old “girlfriend.” He claimed that was the only non-nude pic he had. That, of course, resulted in everybody begging him to send the nudes to their private message box. TheContortionist then posted another pic of the girls no-no parts covered with Power Puff Girls images, supposedly during the act of oral sex (blowjob). This prompted a moderator, I_RAPE_PEOPLE (swear to god, that’s the moderator’s handle), to contact the FBI (I’m assuming he didn’t introduce himself as I_RAPE_PEOPLE), and now the Jailbait section of Reddit is no more. It should be worth noting that the Jailbait section had about 20,000 active members. In other words, there were 20,000 people jerking it to images of scantily clad minors. When a website gains popularity based on a section that displays images of half-naked teenage girls, maybe we should rethink the “18 or older” laws.* My theory is if they are old enough to drive to my house, they are old enough to have sex in my house.** Everyone who looks at porn (i.e. everyone) is familiar with different categories of porn. One of the most popular categories is “teen” porn. This usually involves girls who LOOK like they are under 18 or a girl that is clearly in her 30s but in pigtails and a lollipop. The point I’m trying to make is that fantasizing about nailing a teenager has become socially acceptable. It’s a more silent type of acceptance, but acceptance nonetheless. It’s not like we talk about wanting to have sex with a teenager at the dinner table or anything. Pot is more accepted. Sex with teenagers is more accepted. Legalize both! This is my campaign slogan for 2012.

I like art. I’m talking about art art. None of that bullshit modern art that a chimp can create, and definitely not any kind of performance art (taking a shit in an art gallery does NOT symbolize the Industrial Revolution’s effects on the sexual evolution of sea creatures). I blame the hipsters for all this crap they call art, and where do all the hipsters flock to? Brooklyn…my own personal hell. That’s why I’m not surprised that "artist" Marni Kotak, who is giving birth live in front of a studio audience, is doing her “The Birth of Baby X” show in Brooklyn. The baby is due in five weeks, and Kotak will be spending every day in an art gallery so people can watch her give birth. What. The. Fuck. Here’s a quote from her: “I hope that people will see that human life itself is the most profound work of art, and that therefore giving birth, the greatest expression of life, is the highest form of art.” Let me interpret that for you: “I lack any kind of REAL artistic talent like painting or sculptures, so I’m reduced to this.” Not pretentious enough? How about the fact that she refers to her “midwife” and “doula.” I had to fucking Google that last word since I use words that DON’T MAKE ME SOUND LIKE A PRETENTIOUS DOUCHE! It gets worse: “This isn’t the first shocking performance from Kotak, whose résumé includes ‘staged re-enactments of her own birth, attending her grandfather’s funeral and losing her virginity in a blue Plymouth,’ according to the gallery.” If going to an old person’s funeral and fucking in a shitty car is art, then consider me the 21st century Leonardo da Vinci. The worst part of this story is the fact this hipster of all hipsters is bringing a child into this world that she is going raise. That means another generation of this shit. Great.

“Father of the Week” goes to this guy. He left his five-month-old in his hot car for 15 minutes before someone called 911. The cops showed up and got the little girl (who was sweating profusely) out of the car. The father’s excuse? He went into a restaurant for a date. Must have been pretty pricey and high class if he felt compelled to leave his daughter in the car. What’s that you say? The date took place at a McDonald’s? That’s some ghetto shit right there! Unfortunately, the article never mentions how the date went, so we’ll never know. Fortunately, this took place in California, so the odds of this little girl hooking up with the baby to be born in the article just mentioned, thus, having the WORST human ever is slim to none. So there’s that.

Speaking of babies, by now we all know that Beyoncé is preggers. Apparently, she is not pregnant enough. Beyoncé appeared on some show that no one cares about, and her baby bump deflated! Click the link for the shocking pictures. The conspiracy theory behind this phenomenon is that she was sporting a fake baby bump. Does she have a surrogate mother that she is trying to protect or does her PR people feel that she needs to look more pregnant? Whatever the reason, this goes to show you how completely fucked up Hollywood. First it was a celebrity going EVERYWHERE in makeup, then it was plastic surgery, then airbrushing, and now this. People are more depressed and lack self-esteem more than ever, and if you don’t think Hollywood and the media has anything to do it, you’re a goddamn moron. Granted, good parenting can help alleviate our negative self-image, but who does that anymore? When PR reps are telling a celebrity to wear a prosthetic baby bump, we as a society have crossed a line. Have you seen the Katy Perry picture of her waking up in bed? NOT hot. How about all the pictures of Jessica Simpson without makeup? NOT hot. Don’t get me wrong, I’d have sex with both of them, but that has more to do with my lack of self-esteem. No one is hot ALL THE TIME. Yet, we tend to think so because of shit like this. The result is me jerking it to porn religiously since I am never impressed with anyone anymore. I sense I have gone too far yet again. Moving on.

With modern day technology, it has become increasingly more difficult for legitimate news sources to stay afloat. Local papers all over the world are going the way of the dodo. With so little jobs available for journalist, only the cream of the crop are able to make it. At the very top, we have the elitists over at The New York Times. They are continually breaking stories that have the ability to change our society, for better or for worse. They leave no stone unturned. The New York FUCKING Times doesn’t have time for bullshit stories! There is not better proof of this than this groundbreaking story right here! DON’T CLICK IT YET!!! You need to sit down and prepare to have your mind blown. Ready? TEENAGE GIRLS DECORATE THEIR LOCKERS TO THE MAX!!! I’m not kidding! Read the article for yourself! Elissa Gootman of The New York Times wrote a 1,100-word story about the new phenomenon that is middle school girls decorating their lockers. To be honest with you, I have no idea how she was able to condense such a complex topic into 1,100 words. Then again, I don’t work for the The New York Times. War? Famine? Corruption? Fuck all that! Not when you can get “chandeliers ($12.99) with lights that flash ‘in 7 cool colors!’”

For more comedy and news (or a reason to feel good about yourself) listen to Soundtrack of the Week at, on iTunes, or on your smartphone by using the Stitcher Radio app. Also, follow Ty on Twitter at @SOTWpodcast. All hot girls can send their résumé to Just sayin’…   

* Disclaimer: I do NOT support pedophilia.
** Disclaimer: I follow and respect ALL current laws…no minors in my possession.