Saturday, November 12, 2011

The SOTW Roundup 12

This week ended with the St. Louis Cardinals winning the World Series (yeah, we’re kind of behind on the Roundups…my bad). Unfortunately, I grew up on the west side of Missouri (i.e. Kansas City), so my allegiance goes to the fucking Royals. It was pretty kickass in 1985 win the KC Royals beat the STL Cardinals after a bad series deficit in Game 7 at Kauffman Stadium during the “I-70 Showdown Series.” It would have been even more kickass if I wasn’t TWO FUCKING YEARS OLD, therefore, not remembering shit! Nope, my only memory of the Royals is the infamous uber-shitty franchise that HAS TO RELIVE 1985, because that’s all we have. Welcome to the world of sports! If you are born in a city with a professional sports team, you are bound by Sports Law to love that team…no exceptions. I got dealt two shitty hands (the Royals and the Chiefs), but I love them anyway. There are ways to get out though, but it’s not easy. If you move to a different city, you can change your allegiance…after living there for 10 years. A decade shows commitment towards a city, which is rewarded with you being aloud to claim their sports team if you so choose. If your team leaves your city, you can betray them like they betrayed you. If rooting for another team will secure you having sex with a girl out of your league, you’re allowed to change teams FOR THAT NIGHT ONLY. Your team simply being shitty will never count. Just ask any Chicago Cubs fan. Besides, NOT expecting to win makes the championship that much sweeter when it does come around. I guarantee you Cubs fans will be MORE elated when they win the World Series than any Yankees fan ever! I know this because I’m a University of Kansas fan. Anything less than a NCAA Championship is considered a bad year. When we do win, the feeling probably won’t be as great as when the Royals or Chiefs win a championship. Don’t get me wrong, the KU win in 2008 was FUCKING SWEET! Especially because of how historically badass the finish was. If you live in KC, and you’re a University of Missouri fan, I’m really sorry. You might want to get into soccer. ON TO THE ROUNDUP!

The Occupy Wall Street protests are still going on…and NOTHING HAS CHANGED! Like nothing. Nada. Not even an inkling of hope that the slightest thing will be different after this. Well, not unless you capitalize on these mofos! Some guy is trying to trademark "Occupy This" with an arrow pointing down. If you can’t put two and two together, click the link and look at the shirt. You have no idea how happy this makes me. The idea that someone is trying to trademark something associated with Occupy Wall Street is the biggest “Fuck you!” to that movement. I mean, this is exactly what they are protesting against: capitalism and greed. The irony is so sweet that I have a tear in my eye. You see, hippies?!?! THIS is how you get ahead in the world and make money. Use your goddamn head and exploit others to make money. It’s the American way. A little ingenuity and initiative is all it takes. But NO! You’d rather sit outside in NYC and accomplish nothing. Your loss, his gain…SUCKERS!

Coincidentally, this week in “Thank You, Bill Nye the Science Guy” goes along with making money. Researchers have found that good-looking people make more money. According to the article, “good-looking people charm interviewers, get hired faster, are more likely to make more sales and get more raises.” No shit. It’s called confidence. Good-looking people tend to have more confidence, because…well...they’re good-looking! Confidence leads to a better attitude and overall better competence in whatever it is you do. However, this article doesn’t mention a damn thing about that. Causation versus correlation. Those are two words that do not exist in science journalism. At any rate, it’s not surprising that there are very few people I would fuck at the Occupy Wall Street protests. See the correlation there???

With biker gangs, skinheads, and terrorists, the FBI has a lot on their plate. Rest assured, they are tackling the big issues… like the Insane Clown Posse gang. Better known as the Juggalos, these terrorists are mostly misguided teens or people who never got therapy for their misguided youth, wear scary clown makeup, and listen to rap/metal. That’s about it. Those are the only things they all share in common. However, according to the FBI, they are a “loosely-organized hybrid gang.” What the fuck does that even mean? The FBI also states that Juggalos “exhibit gang-like behavior and engage in criminal activity and violence.” If this is all a group of fans need to be considered a national threat, then the fan base of every rapper out there should join the FBI list (seriously, they should).

Don’t you hate it when you’re having sex with a hooker, then BAM! She turns into a goddamn donkey! EVERY TIME!! I know this guy does. Moyo, 28, of some place in Zimbabwe, was busted giving it hard to donkey at 4AM one Sunday morning. This is usually an open and shut case of bestiality. Not so fast! Moyo claims that he actually picked up a hooker at a nightclub and was unaware she turned into a donkey until the cops broke the couple up. The judge called bullshit (probably ONLY because the donkey was tied to a tree) and ordered two government psychiatrists to check the dude out. Alright, two things: 1) Zimbabwe has nightclubs?!?! Most nightclubs in the U.S. are havens for AIDS, but a nightclub in Africa? Fuck that. 2) Zimbabwe has a functioning judicial system complete with psychiatrists and everything?!?! I figured the ol’ “this donkey WAS a hooker” defense was fail-proof in Africa. Does this make me ethnocentric? Or does damn near everything else I say make me ethnocentric?

In the grand scheme of things, democracy is WAY better than communism. As the saying goes, “Communism looks good on paper.” However, I’m starting to think that we can take a page or two from the communist book. For example, China owns ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD! So there’s that. Oh, and China is banning the Kardashian show and other reality television programming. Some call this communism at its worst. I say this is communism at its best! How many times have you heard people say the reason America is so fucked up is because of shit like the Kardashians being on television? Exactly. Enough said. In terms of keeping their population NOT retarded, China is making a preemptive strike by banning the shit that makes us stupid. Honestly, it’s quite brilliant. China…doing pretty well. Us…not so much. They are basically NOT doing everything we ARE doing. China will also ban any programming that is “overly entertaining.” Good! When shows like Two and a Half Men and According to Jim get high ratings, that means your country is fucking retarded. Not in China! The death of the toddler that was ran over TWICE and EVERYONE ignored is a major factor in this new policy. When China sees that its people are turning into stupid people, they get rid of the shit that is making them stupid. Fucking. Brilliant. They may be oppressed like a motherfucker, but they are filthy rich with a strong moral compass and intelligence. We’re all screwed!

Porn magazines are something of the past; like 8-tracks and VHS tapes. However, one “porno” magazine still holds the test of time: Playboy. This is mostly because they feature super hot chicks that would otherwise not pose naked, including celebrities…including Lindsay Lohan. That’s right! Lohan will show it all in an upcoming edition of Playboy. And I do mean ALL: ass, tits, and vag, and it only cost Hugh Hefner almost $1 million for the opportunity. Fortunately, the Internet will make it to where I won’t have to actually purchase the magazine, but either way, I WILL be jerking off to these pictures. Love her or hate her, every guy has to admit that he is looking forward to these pictures. She’s not a bombshell, but she certainly isn’t ugly. Hell, even if you do think she is ugly, you will STILL beat off to the pictures. That’s how us guys work. Then again, with airbrushing and other advanced photo technology, damn near any chick can look hot in a Playboy magazine. God bless technology! Now if we can just figure out a way to implant that technology into our brains and affect our vision…

Speaking of stripping nude, I found an article that has located the most lucrative city in America for strippers: Williston, North Dakota! Apparently, Williston is a big town for big oil where thousands of men flock to to get a job in the oil industry. As with any town, there are places where the single, lonely men (actually, just men in general) gather to have a hot chick with low self-esteem and daddy issues grind on their lap, thus, leaving with blue balls and the hope that NEXT TIME he’ll bring one home. Williston only has two strip clubs (Whispers and Heartbreakers), and the strippers are raking in the cash! Some strippers are bringing in $2,000 to $3,000 A NIGHT! Girls from all over the world are trying to get gigs in Williston, including strippers who work in Vegas. One night a week of work = six figure annual income. Shit! This is why I wish women were as sexually driven as men. If I thought I could make a fraction of that kind of money, you bet your ass I would start working out and looking good (I’ll just do drugs to get in the mood to dance…you know, like female strippers). With that kind of money, you would have to be stupid to be a hot chick and turn down that opportunity. I am more than willing to lay aside any “morals” or “pride” or “dignity” (whatever those things are) to make a living where EVERYONE wins. You better be rich as fuck to get one these girls to come home with you though. That’s why I hang out at the dirty, low rent strip clubs…the girls there are more willing since they have ZERO morals, pride, or dignity (aka the only type of girls who will sleep with me).

Attention: all lovers of shitty food and haters of your own self worth! The McDonald's McRib is back! For the next two months, ALL locations will be serving the much-adored McRib. This is one (of many) reason why I hate this country. The fact that people go ape-shit over this abomination of a barbeque food product makes me question how intelligent people really are. I’m 99% sure this has EVERYTHING to do with marketing and NOTHING to do with the quality of the product. Making the McRib available for only two months out of the year gives the sandwich a certain mystique. People feel that just because they can rarely get access to the McRib that they HAVE TO eat that shit up once it becomes available. Guess what? You don’t! I’m somewhat of a slave to this marketing tool as well. When McDonald’s offers the Shamrock Shake during March, I’ll go there once a week for one. I’m not even a huge fan of shakes. I think the reason I’m so against the McRib is because I’m from Kansas City…the home of the BEST BBQ IN THE WORLD! I understand a lot of you live in Texas and will argue against that. First of all, Texas barbeque is good. I won’t argue that. Second, it’s NOT as good as KC barbeque. Sorry, it’s science. I can understand some hipster or yuppie from any other part of the country eating the McRib. They don’t know better. But if you’re from KC, Texas, Memphis, or the Carolinas, you should be ashamed to order this. If you do, you’re fat AND stupid.

The Wall Street Journal has a reputation for being a “pretty fucking good” news source (I think that quote came from Edward R. Murrow). At least they’re not doing 1,100 word articles on teenage girls decorating lockers (see: “SOTW Roundup 11”). With that said, I decided to give you all some health advice via The Wall Street Journal. It’s the least I can do for you pot-smoking, Cheeto-eating, alcoholic lazy asses. First, yoga is for morons…and the gays, but that’s not the point here. A recent study has found that in terms of relieving back pain, merely stretching is just as effective as yoga. Many people (i.e. hipsters, hippies, gays) believe that the healing powers of yoga are attributed to the effects it has on the human and mind and spirit. NOT TRUE! I have always known that yoga is complete bullshit, mostly because I’m somewhat intelligent. Now I have scientific proof. Then again, if you believe that yoga and crystals have healing powers, science doesn’t mean shit to you. Another article at the WSJ reveals that vitamins are for morons. Recent studies suggest that multivitamins and other dietary supplements don’t have any health benefits and can even be harmful in some cases. Not coincidentally, the type of person who takes about 30 different supplements in the morning is the same person who does yoga and wears a crystal around their neck. When are people going to learn that the only thing you need to do stay healthy and live long is simply eat right and exercise. That’s it! It has worked for literally millenniums. The reason we live longer is because of modern medicine and technology, NOT by doing weird poses to weird music and swallowing nutrients in pill form. I drink and smoke, heavily, and I’m probably in better shape than most people my age. Why? It’s because I eat healthy food and work out on a regular basis. If I were to have picked up yoga and pill swallowing instead, I’d either be dead or look like an AIDS patient (i.e. Moby). Then again, let these hipsters and hippies believe in this bullshit…they’ll die off quicker. Darwinism, motherfuckers!

Nuclear weapons. They’re kind of dangerous. Fact. A while back, Obama made a pledge to rid the world these apocalyptic weapons. Looks like he’s making an effort to keep up on that promise. The last of the nation's biggest nuclear bombs was dismantled in Texas. The B53 weighed 10,000 pounds and was 600 times more powerful than the bombs that destroyed Hiroshima and Nagasaki. The B83, 1.2 megatons, is now the biggest one we own. The B53 was 9 megatons. Nuclear bombs were originally created because we didn’t have the technology for precision weapons. To make up for the lack of accuracy, nuclear bombs would just blow up EVERYTHING. Today, missiles have pinpoint accuracy that we can detonate from far far away. I’m glad WE are getting rid of these weapons, but what about EVERYONE ELSE?!?! I’ll be honest, the threat of blowing up an entire country can be a bigger deterrent than the threat of blowing up one building. WE may be able to blast a dictator out of the water with little to no collateral damage. However, I seriously doubt terrorists and other countries have that kind of technology. Instead, they’ll just wipe us off the map much like we did with Japan. Look, some countries just need to be obliterated. Iran? Nuke it. Afghanistan? Nuke it. Germany? Nuke it (come on, they deserve one last “fuck you” from the United States and Jews everywhere…I mean, they REALLY fucked up). Look, I’ve seen enough spy movies to know that there will ALWAYS be nuclear weapons somewhere. If you honestly think we don’t have some badass, apocalyptic weapons stored SOMEWHERE, you need to watch more CIA movies.

For more funny stuff and “news,” listen to Soundtrack of the Week on, iTunes, and on your smartphone via Stitcher Radio. Also, follow Ty on Twitter at @SOTWpodcast. Just do it. Don’t be a dick.   

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