Monday, November 21, 2011

The SOTW Roundup 13

Halloween is now over. Now it’s two full months of acting like I give a shit about my friends and family. It’s not that I don’t care. Rather, it has more to do with the fact that I just hate being around family. Just a constant reminder of how well I’m NOT doing in life. As for my friends, I can really only stand them when we are all drinking. Then again, the same rings true for family as well. Getting older sucks. I spent my Halloween sober and at work. I should have been getting wasted while dressed up as something completely fucked up in the middle of the bar district of Kansas City. I got LIT UP on the Friday before, since it was podcast night. I go so lit up that I couldn’t leave the house for any Halloween parties the night after. So I guess a shitty Halloween was partly my fault, but it’s easier to blame aging and society. With Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up, I’m going to be constantly reminded how broke I am. I have four more paychecks to buy gifts for about 10 people. If you’re not immediate family or I’m not fucking you, you get nothing from me. I work on Thanksgiving, so I lucked out on that. I always volunteer to work Thanksgiving so I can 1) avoid family gatherings and 2) get that holiday pay. When you volunteer to work at the place that sucks the soul out of your body in order to avoid family, you can safely say your life is void of any meaning. I came to terms with that LONG ago, which leads us to…THIS WEEK’S ROUNDUP!

I would be remiss if I didn’t start this week’s roundup with the news that shocked the entire world: Kim Kardashian filed for divorce. After only 72 days of being married to NBA player Kris Humphries (don’t worry if you don’t know him…even the Nets forgot he plays for them), Kardashian decided that it wasn’t meant to be. The two signed a pre-nuptial agreement, so they walk away with whatever they came with…no more, maybe a little less. I take that back…Kim will walk away with probably a few million dollars more in her pocket. People are saying that the Kardashians made a shit load of money off the wedding through endorsements and product placement. Yes, endorsements and product placement for a goddamn wedding. Most people LOSE money after a wedding, but the Kardashians MAKE money! Why? Because we are so morally corrupt and fucking stupid to the point where corporations see the value in advertising in a high profile celebrity wedding. They claim they didn’t make money, but they’re fucking liars. Actually, Humphries can make that claim. I’m sure he didn’t walk away with any of that money, since he had nothing to do with it. Kim could have married me and made the same amount of money off of endorsements and product placement. At any rate, the fact that this was highly talked about for the entire says a LOT about our moral fabric. Remember last week when I mentioned that China is better than us because they banned the Kardashians television show? Yeah, I was/am right.

The entire world is in a recession right now…well, not Germany and China, but fuck them. Everybody has to be frugal when it comes to nonessential spending. Instead of buying a nice leather coat for winter, buy a decent insulated jacket. Instead of drinking premium beer, drink PBR. Instead of buying just any ol’ iPad 2, buy this $8 million iPad 2 made out of gold, diamonds, and a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Stuart Hughes, designer of items for the elitist of the elite (and #1 waster of rare minerals and artifacts), has built an iPad 2 with a solid gold back, an Apple logo and home button made of 65 primo diamonds, and the frame is made from Ammolite rock and slivers of bones from a T-Rex. Here it is:
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I would say that a major, worldwide recession is not the right time to come out with something like this, but when I think about it, NO TIME is a good time for this monstrosity. Even during the most prosperous of economic conditions, you would have to be a world-class asshole to blow $8 million on this. If you go to this guy’s website (, you’ll find even MORE RIDICULOUS shit (e.g. a bottle of booze priced at over $43 million dollars, a $6.4 million dollar bed, and a $322,000 PS3 console). Fuck Wall Street. Occupy Stuart Hughes house (which probably costs a couple billion dollars).

It’s hard getting a job as a journalist nowadays. Back in the day, all you had to do was get a degree, work your ass off as low man on the totem poll, and eventually (if your work is good) you land on television or at a major news publisher. That was then. Today, you have to graduate at a top 10 journalism school, be a hot chick (guaranteed employment if you fuck a celebrity), or have a famous parent. Meghan McCain fits one of those requirements (hint: not hot, has an art history degree), and now she has signed a deal with MSNBC. First of all, she has an art history degree. The only thing more worthless than that is a philosophy degree. Scratch that. A philosophy degree is good for law school. An art history degree is only good for teaching art history. Thanks to daddy (John McCain, if you haven’t figured that out yet), she got an internship at Newsweek and Saturday Night Live to pursue her goal of being a music journalist (i.e. easiest/most worthless job in the world). Meghan only became noticed after doing live blogs during her dad’s presidential campaign. Since then, she has had a six-figure book deal and many jobs in legit journalism. Fuck her. I’m tired of pseudo-celebrities taking jobs in journalism. The chick that fucked Tiger Woods got her own sex and advice column for the New York fucking Times!!! Who do I need to fuck to get a job??? Seriously. I might consider.

The X-generation has fucked up MANY things for today’s youth. I don’t know what it is about these parents, but they have made it a point to pussify their kids as much as they can. No dodgeball, everyone is a victim of bullying, and everyone needs to wear a goddamn. Now, they’re fucking up the holiest of days for the youngsters…Halloween. Parents are actually getting their kids' candy x-rayed at hospitals. WHY?!?! There has NEVER been a reported incident where a razor blade was found in someone’s candy. Rather than go home and enjoy the candy they just acquired, kids have to go to a goddamn hospital and have their candy X-rayed. Why not get a CAT scan for the candy and treat it like a cancer patient? Parents are too busy freaking the kids out over nothing. Meanwhile, their children are contacting a virus in the hospital that will probably kill them. In the few instances where a child was killed of poisoning from Halloween candy, a family member or friend was the killer. With that said, I encourage all kids to take their parents to their local police station and have them take a polygraph test. The tables have turned, Gen-X assholes!

Let’s now go to “This Week in Hipsters.” Hipsters are known for liking shit you have never heard because you couldn’t possibly comprehend it, have a love for weird shit because of the irony, and like to protest for reasons they couldn’t tell you…because they don’t really know. Hipsters also like to ruin things for the rest of us. For example, I feel the need to shave off my facial hair since that is now a hipster thing. Also, I feel hesitant to go to a local coffee shop, because that’s what hipsters do. And now, a love for zombies has been taken over by the undead dead inside. As a result, zombies are now worth $5 billion to the economy. According to 24/7 Wall St., here’s the breakdown:
            Movies: $2.5 billion
            Video games: $2.5 billion
            Comic books, mags, TV: $50 million
            Halloween costumes: $500 million (over 4-year period)
            Books/novels: $100 million
            Conventions/events/walks: $10 million
            Merchandise: $50 million

Speaking of irony, I find it funny that the same people who love zombie shit are the same people who are Occupying Wall St. You know, the same place they are funneling all of their money from zombie purchases. As soon as the hipsters find out that zombies are a major industry, they will abandon it like their fathers did to them. When that happens, those of us who liked zombies before it was trending can go back to enjoying it without being labeled a hipster. Thank you, Wall St.

Soft drink makers hate children...especially the minorities. A report from Yale shows that children, especially blacks and Hispanics are seeing a shit-ton more advertisements for sugary drinks such as sodas, energy drinks, and fruit drinks. How much more? The number of ads has doubled from 2008-2010. Coca Cola and Dr. Pepper Snapple Group Inc. fueled most of this increase, whereas Pepsi Cola saw a 22% DECREASE in ads. Yes, Coca Cola and Dr. Pepper hates black and Hispanic children. How much do they hate black children? Black children and teens saw 80% to 90% more ads than whitey. If this kind of exploitation doesn’t make Al Sharpton hard, I don’t know what does. Apparently, minorities drink more of this stuff than whites. This is poor nutrition that can be contributed to bad parents and bad education. Race disparity, my friends. In the 1950s, whitey just beat them to death. Today, whitey is just slowly killing them with delicious sugary drinks. Have you ever seen the McDonalds commercial where the black guy breaks from an intense game of basketball to eat a Big Mac? What athlete trains with Big Macs?!?! What message is that sending to young black athletes? That’s right…whitey is subliminally killing minorities via advertising and poor nutrition. You heard it hear first!

Anonymous is at it again. This time they are threatening to expose a Mexican drug cartel's secrets. Some of the most powerful governments in the world are afraid of Anonymous. Those guys and gals can get whatever information they want. With that said, governments leave them alone…but not the Zetas! Recently, the Zetas kidnapped a member of Anonymous. Coincidental, but the hacker group gives no shit. In result, if the Zetas don’t release the victim, Anonymous will release the identities of their associates (including corrupt government officials and law enforcement officers) and their businesses. This is war of the 21st century! The two most feared organizations outside of actual governments (drug cartels and hackers) are about to face off! On the other hand, Anonymous has threatened to do many things that they fell short on. Then again, the Zetas might not want to take that gamble. This is high quality, movie-esque shit!!! I’ll put Danny Trejo as the leader of the Zetas. Technically, no one can play Anonymous, but I’ll put Michael Cera as the kidnapped member. We need a shit-ton of explosions, so Michael Bay will direct. You see, news is so much more fun when you assemble a movie to it.

I’m addicted to nicotine, caffeine, and porn. Hey, we all have our vices. The thing that has been sickening me over the past several years is that EVERYTHING is an addiction: sex, love, and fucking tanning beds! Now, we can add fatty foods to the laundry list of things that are addicting. Leading universities and government labs have the found that processed foods and sugary drinks (the same ones aimed towards minority kids) can have an effect on the brain similar to cocaine. Great. Now there’s going to be an avalanche of “food rehab” reality shows. Fat people will now claim how it’s not their fault; they are victims of an addiction. Bullshit! Until you start sucking dick for a Krispy Kreme donut, I don’t want to hear about your “addiction.” If fatty foods are like a narcotic, then it’s time to ban ALL fatty foods. Hell, the article even mentions that fat people have a huge cost on society. In fact, I’m willing to bet that fat people costs society more than most drugs combined! Time to appoint a food czar! Then again, I “betcha can’t eat just one” Lay’s potato chip? “Once you pop, you can’t stop” Pringles? Holy shit! It’s true! HIDE YOUR CHILDREN! THROW AWAY THE FATTY FOODS! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!

For more insanity and things that will make you laugh, listen to Soundtrack of the Week on, iTunes, and on your smartphone via Stitcher Radio (Twitter page at @SOTWpodcast). Also follow Ty on Twitter at @TySOTW. Or you can just die of a Cheetos overdose.

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