Monday, December 12, 2011

The SOTW Roundup 14

Thanksgiving is now over. I spent my Thanksgiving running the soundboard for a conservative news radio station in Kansas City…and I was glad! I would rather get paid double-time to further my career than spend anytime with my family during that extremely awkward small talk. It’s creeps me out! As I write this, it is Black Friday. This is every hipster’s favorite day to bitch and complain about capitalism and the free market, just like the day before is PETA’s favorite day to bitch about eating meat. Listen, Black Friday does NOT stand for everything that is wrong with America and capitalism in general. It is not indicative of greed and how corruption rules the masses. Nope, none of that. Instead, Black Friday is just a day where housewives act like super cunty thugs. That’s it. Nothing more. Smart people who are looking to save a buck or two will take advantage of the upcoming Cyber Monday. It’s pretty much the same thing except for you don’t have to leave your house. Yeah, that seems more logical. With only two more paydays until Christmas, I of all people should be looking for the greatest deals…but I’m not. I’d much rather spend a few dollars extra if it means not having to deal with a mob of crazy assholes. And it’s not like I’m buying TVs and other expensive electronics. No, everyone is getting something fairly inexpensive. You can’t save $50 on something that costs $25. The people who are saving money are usually either a) people who could afford the items regardless of a sale or b) people who shouldn’t be able to afford expensive items regardless of a sale. Look at some Black Friday videos, and you’ll see what I’m talking about. In the end, I don’t give a shit. It’s your money. Do what you will with it. No one, not the government nor corporations, can tell you what to do with it. They should tell you to do one thing and one thing only…READ THE ROUNDUP!

The Republican campaign has been going on since…well…since Obama was elected president. It’s been going full steam the past few months and why not? The election is only TWELVE months away. One of the frontrunners for the Republican nomination is Mitt Romney. Romney seems to be the sanest person running right now, and he’s a fucking Mormon! This week, Romney laid down a "bombshell revelation" to People magazine. When asked if he has ever had a beer (which is part of the laundry list of shit you can’t have in the Mormon religion), Romney responded with this: “Never had drinks or tobacco. ItΚΌs a religious thing. I tasted a beer and tried a cigarette once, as a wayward teenager, and never did it again.” HOLY SHIT! Talk about a total burnout! Not only did he try a cigarette, but also he TASTED a beer. I’m assuming he tasted a Miller High Life, and that’s why he decided not to drink. If this is Romney’s definition of a “wayward teenager,” then 99% of the U.S. population are a bunch of low-life screw-ups from the spawn of Satan! And THIS is why Romney should not be president. Take the above quote and then add the following picture to the equation:

Let’s not forget that before getting into politics, Romney was CEO of Bain Capital, which netted him close to $250 million dollars. Not only is tasting a beer considered being a wayward teenager, but he’s also a member of the 1% that the hipsters hate so much. This guy couldn’t be more out of touch with the average U.S. citizen. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t want someone like myself running this country; that would be an epic disaster. At the same time, I would like someone who knows what it’s like to live a normal life to be in control. How can Romney make decisions for the country when he is 99.99999% unlike anyone else? Sorry, Romney. You’re way too pure and way too rich to get my vote. Take a couple Jaeger shots and we’ll talk.

Before bitching about what’s wrong with America, take a look at the rest of the world. I’ve said that before, but it’s worth noting again. For instance, the Pakistan Telecommunication Authority is trying to ban 1,700 "offensive" and "obscene" words from text messages. Here in the United States, we can call our president a complete fucktard in public. In Pakistan, good luck calling your ex-girlfriend a cunt through a private text message. This new rule will make it extremely difficult for Pakistanis to send angry text messages. Instead of “My whore ex-gf is a stupid bitch” you’ll have to send “My ex-gf who enjoys the company of MANY men is a female dog who lacks intelligence…amirite!” Here’s a list of words to be banned:
  • Athlete's foot
  • Deposit
  • Black out
  • Drunk
  • Flatulence
  • Glazed Donut
  • Harem
  • Jesus Christ
  • Hostage
  • Murder
  • Penthouse
  • Satan
  • Flogging the dolphin
  • Monkey crotch
  • Idiot
  • Damn
  • Deeper
  • Four twenty
  • Go to hell
  • Harder
  • Looser
  • No sex
  • Quickie
  • Fairy

Yeah, there are some weird choices in there. First of all, I didn’t even know “monkey crotch” was a thing before I read this article. And what’s up with “athlete’s foot,” “deposit,” and “glazed donut”??? Is there something here I don’t get? Did I miss the memo on those terms? Not to mention there are about 5,000 different ways to say “jerking off,” and “flogging the dolphin” is not one I use on a regular basis. Whatever. Here in the great U.S. of A. I can tell Obama (Satan) to put his black dick deeper and harder inside the glazed donut that is Jesus Christ, while his fairy ass goes to hell for flogging the dolphin with his damn monkey crotch*. God bless America!

Speaking of Obama, the president of the United States pardoned two turkeys on Wednesday. Rather than die a quick death by chopping their heads off, they’ll be sent back to whatever tiny cage they came from and die a slow, miserable death. Did anyone check these turkeys’ rap sheet? What if one of the turkeys confessed to a double homicide? We need to start vetting these birds before just handing them a pardon. I’m sure PETA members jerk off to this ceremony. The two birds, named Liberty and Peace, were chosen among 30 turkeys. Ironically, one of the turkeys that wasn’t chosen was named Troy Davis. Too soon?

Considering you read this roundup, you are interested about the news. That or the constant stream of racist/pedophile/otherwise inappropriate jokes. I’m going to tell you right now, the SOTW Roundup is NOT a good source of news and information. I probably don’t have to tell you that. However, I may have to tell you which major news outlets ARE good sources. That’s what the latest Fairleigh Dickinson University Public Mind Poll has done. The poll has found out which news sources make you dumber and which ones make you smarter. Those who watch Sunday morning news shows know more about current events than most people. And which viewers know the LEAST about current events? The Fox News audience! Right behind Fox News is MSNBC. Imagine that…the two channels with a clear agenda make you dumber. Shocker. The MSNBC audience actually believes the Occupy Wall Street protesters are mostly Republican! Are you fucking kidding me?!?! National newspapers like The New York Times and USA Today are also good sources of news, in addition to NPR radio. You want to take a guess which television news show makes people smarter? If you guessed The Daily Show, you are correct. There is something incredibly fucked up about or society when “legitimate” television news programming makes you dumber, and a fake news show on Comedy Central makes you smarter. At this point, I’m willing to believe that South Park is more informative than CNN. Hell, Family Guy is probably more informative than Fox News. #SadFace

The holiday season is upon us! You know what that means…time to get drunk! Since we have to spend the money that we DON’T have on gifts, we need to drink on a budget. I wish there was some cheap but good liquor to get my drunk on with. I don’t know of any good—wait! What's that sign over there?

Problem solved! Talk about effective advertising…I was looking for cheap but good liquor and I have now found it. It’s a damn good thing a bunch of people started to whine like a bunch of little bitches, otherwise I would never know about Wodka. Just a few hours after this ad was posted in New York, it was immediately torn down since people (like the Anti-Defamation League) viewed the ad as “crude and offensive” and reinforces the anti-Semitic stereotype “that Jews are cheap.” I’m willing to believe that not ONE Jewish person complained about this. Usually in these cases, some hipster-type person who is in no way targeted in the ad throws a bitch-fit since it’s the “right” thing to do. Also, Jews are not necessarily cheap. Rather, they are smart with their money. My glass is half full, Anti-Defamation League. The League also said, “To use the Jewish holiday in dealing with issues of money is clearly insensitive and inappropriate.” Wrong! It’s clearly accurate and smart! Here’s the irony of all this: all these whiny bitches complained about the “insensitivity” of the company’s ad and wanted it destroyed to a) prevent people from seeing it and b) punish the company…and now we ALL have seen the ad and are aware of Wodka. Congratulations, whiny bitches! Once again, you fucked up your own initiative by being whiny bitches. Sidenote: anyone else notice that the dog with the yarmulke is an AFGHAN hound?!?! I would bitch about THAT!

I wonder if this dumb cunt was drinking Wodka. Doesn’t matter, because she wins this week’s “Parent of the Week.” Sarah Boushey of San Francisco was busted for a DUI after throwing down HALF A BOTTLE of vodka while watching the new Smurfs movie with her 4-year-old daughter. After the movie, which apparently was so terrible she had to down half a bottle of vodka, Boushey sideswiped two cars and hit a median. When cops pulled her over, this dumb bitch couldn’t even remember her name. I guess that’s what happens when you blow a .35 blood alcohol content! I don’t think I need to tell YOU how high of a BAC that is. Fortunately, her trader of a daughter ratted her out to the cops by telling them “she’s drunk.” Here’s a rule of thumb: if your 4-year-old child knows what “drunk” is and can tell when you are drunk, you lose said 4-year-old child…fuck it, throw in a court-ordered gang bang too. Listen, there’s nothing wrong with sneaking liquor into a movie theatre and getting drunk. Lord knows I have done it many a time. However, I don’t have a kid either. When are people going to learn that once you have a child you automatically give up your rights to party like a rock star? If you like to party, either a) cum on the tits or b) abort or give up for adoption. But for the love of god, don’t think for a second you can still party every now and then and raise a decent human being at the same time. Not happening. With that said, I should probably consider a vasectomy ASAP!

My hometown of Kansas City has made national news again…and this time it DOESN’T concern some type of homicide. Actually, this article takes place just down the street from where I grew up. This fact contributes absolutely NOTHING to the article, but just a little FYI. Anyway, Shawnee Mission East high school senior Emma Sullivan pissed off Gov. Sam Brownback.  Sullivan attended a field trip where Brownback was a speaker. Not a huge fan of his policies, Sullivan tweeted, “just made mean comments at gov brownback and told him he sucked, in person #heblowsalot.” Well, Brownback’s office didn’t find that very funny. The next day at school, Sullivan was sent to the principal’s office. Apparently, Brownback’s office made a complaint to the school and wanted a written letter of apology from Sullivan. Long story short, Sullivan said “fuck that” (paraphrasing here) and now people are wondering what the fuck is up with Brownback being a little whiny bitch. Seriously. If you’re the governor of a state, what people say about you on Twitter should be the LEAST of your concerns. Especially when the comment is from a high school girl with 60 followers. Now, if @robdelaney or better yet @barackobama called you a bitch, maybe then you should speak up. But when you’re butt-hurt over a minor tweet like the one in question, not only are you a little whiny bitch, but you are also unqualified to be a politician considering you priorities are seriously fucked up. Well, it’s okay, because he may not be governor for too much longer…many people consider him a strong candidate for the 2016 presidential election. Nope. Not kidding.

I read a LOT of news articles for this shitty column. One thing I have learned: EVERYTHING is harmful and can kill you. Not even vitamins are an exception. According to a new study, vitamins can turn you into a complete loser burnout. I’m not going to get into details about the study (mostly because it’s 2am and I’m drunk), but essentially, a group was given a placebo and was told it contained vitamins: “Those taking phony supplements reported a greater sense of invulnerability and less of a desire to exercise. They also were more likely to consider engaging in casual sex, sunbathing and binge-drinking.” The researchers concluded that people who take supplements consider themselves to be invulnerable. These burnout pill poppers are under the assumption they can do whatever the fuck they want just because they consume healthy shit. Even athletes are susceptible to this. You know what we have to do…OUTLAW VITAMINS AND SUPPLEMENTS! They should be considered a Schedule I drug with marijuana and methamphetamines. Apparently, people who consume vitamins and supplements can’t control the substances and do more harm than good…just like marijuana (per the U.S. government). You know, unlike cocaine, which is a Schedule II drug. Yeah, that is a fact. Google that shit if you must. According to the U.S. government, cocaine is safer than marijuana…and vitamins now. I don’t make the laws, folks. I just laugh at them and go against them anyway.

For more of whatever this is, listen to Soundtrack of the Week on, iTunes, and on your smartphone via Stitcher Radio (Twitter page at @SOTWpodcast). Also follow Ty on Twitter at @TySOTW. I suggest listening while binging on vitamins and supplements, you goddamn burnout.       

* Disclaimer: after reading that last entry, “monkey crotch” may come off as EXTREMELY racist in that context. Not my intention. Carry on.


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